i'm supposed to be moving but apparently my calls about a move-in date are staying unanswered til who knows when. they started painting last week and i know it wouldn't take that long to paint a small apartment like that. who knows. what i do know is my room is full of empty boxes because i can't just pack everything and wait around; i still need clothes and things that will go in said boxes. my impatience is palpable.
i've gotten into watching hockey more. my brother likes it and is always talking about it so i made a point to sit down and watch a whole game. it'll fill the void where football leaves off. i can definitely see why people enjoy it... i'd be that jerk who checks other people into the glass. i never said i was nice.
i've cut my caffeine down to just tea and no soft drinks. that's partially true, i had a bit of a coke earlier but i just desperately wanted one. i'm doing better than i thought and i figure a small amount like that won't hurt. i've cut my snacking out and am trying to stick to healthier, better portioned food. except i'm quite picky about vegetables and fruit so if i could live off of just lean chicken and tuna, i'd be set. i've gotten much better about the amount of water i drink; work has a machine in the break room with a filter so it doesn't taste bad. i get flack because i like fiji water but i don't like aquafina or dasani if i do buy bottled water. i end up reusing the fiji bottles for the work water anyway. i know it's not the best investment but it's getting me in the right direction for the time being. i drink a gatorade to break the boredom of water.
i'm tired of being the fat girl. as shallow as it may be i want new clothes. and yes i want to be able to run without feeling i'm dying or know my heart isn't going to give out on me. my liver is already a mess from genetics and from the episodes with my gallbladder so my heart need not become a problem too. i caught a look at myself in the mirror while i was changing clothes and it was just... i was disgusted and heartbroken and upset that i've allowed myself to become like this. i don't like having my picture taken, i don't wear certain things, and i'm extremely self-aware when my coworkers talk about how "gorgeous and thin" a woman is that they see. my partner, the only coworker i actually like, and who i've known for years and years, saw my face one night while the other guy talked about how amazing this woman's body was and how gorgeous women are who take care of themselves. he sent me a text that said "don't listen to him, i think you're beautiful". i could've cried. he knows me well and he knows when that guy starts in on that crap i start feeling like crap myself. it's up to me to fix it... but his words and reminders on occasion that i am pretty and worth a look do help me. :)
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