I’m not really sure why I haven’t sent my Lifescript Daily Horoscope emails to the spam folder yet. I’ve never been a big horoscope guy, but if I want to look I want the absolute trashiest or the absolutely most mumbo jumbo , seventh-house-Ides-or-March sort of thing. I also have three very stale fortune cookies on my desktop. I don’t want to read them, I sure don’t want to eat them, yet something seems wrong about throwing away unread fortunes, right?
Every now and again I want to post my horoscope because it is so very obviously talking about someone else. I resist the urge. It’s not hard. A few days ago my moon had cancer and I was going to be very creative but I should probably stay home and do dishs, essentially. I mean I’m cutting to the chase, it said something closer to I’d be very creative but unfit for public consumption. No duh.
No duh to the unfit for human consumption. Very creative from date x to date y falls under the happy horseshit school of thought, e.g. that one need be inspired by the muse to write, paint, make music or, I don’t know, be very creative with ones income taxes. Some horseshit has layers like an Onion, peel one back and cry.
I was going to do a flash. I might still, but I think I’ll leave the prompts be. Little pieces of dialogue, stories, events, are stuck in my teeth like shredded beef from a microwaved chimichanga. Yes, I had to be specific, meat flavored threads, suggesting something, irritating the tender gum, but not coming right out and saying “I am not a food product!” It means that maybe they aren’t chimichanga flashes, maybe short stories, novels, essays, maybe just things that need to be picked and flushed or returned to the cow. Or, you know, maybe I should do the dishes.
There is a sun for this mornings dawn. It was pink and pale on the horizon and by eight o’clock streaming in through the eastern windows. Much of the snow has melted. I can see muddy grass on the margins of the lawn now.
After the second cup of coffee this morning I went to my mad scientist lab in the basement and whipped up two experiment, steeping as I type. The most normative of the two will likely not work. I’m mixing the three component flavors of what pipe smokers have called a Balkan Blend for at least two centuries. I don’t think flavors work that way. Flavoring is basically chemistry to fool your taste buds. For a Balkan blend to work in a pipe the three basic different tobaccos need to be locked together in a room and “marry”. It’s the aging process and proximity, not the disparate individual flavors.
The other experiment, which sounds like it’d be terrible, will probably be just fine; seven percent strawberry, three percent cheesecake and a few drops of coconut. Doesn’t sound like something that you should smoke, and the other is a very traditional combination of exactly what you should smoke. That’s not quite how e-liquid works though. I could be wrong. It wouldn’t be an experiment if I were already convinced of the outcome. Oh, yeah, math whizs, I realize that’s only ten percent; ten percent is really all you want of flavoring, the rest is the poison that either gives it the kick or allows it to be smoked. Fifty percent poison, for instance, and you get half the nicotine level of the poison.
So, yeah, the postal service has all sorts of new regulations that have something to do with security. You can’t, for instance, get face lotion to a PO box. Could be a bomb or something, right? You can, however, get unregulated demonstratable poison delivered to the very door of your mad scientist lab. Heh, the company that I get from is called My Freedom Smokes dot com. I think it has to do with calling vaping a smoking cessation plan without coming out right and saying it. However, if any return address sounds subversive that one does, and they are sending me glass bottles that are essentially biohazards, that ingesting 5mg of will probably kill your ass. Hmmm, maybe not your ass, but your cocker spaniels. You’d have to pour your cocker spaniel a shot glass full of the stuff. My point is, though, there might not even be a lethal of face crème and, for instance, Lancombe sounds less subversive than myfreedomsmokes.
Hmmm, I wonder how face cream smokes?
I think pharmaceuticals fall into the usps won’t deliver category too. Places like Walgreens have been offering mail delivery as an options for over a decade. I’m not suggesting Walgreens and Lancombe should be cut slack and myfreedomsmokes should not, I’m just suggesting that’s not normally how the feds do shit.
My horoscope didn’t mention anything about USPS at all or tell me what was going to happen with my experiments. Hmmmm, niche horoscopes, that’s what the world wide web has been missing.
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