Monday after our big trade show out of town last week. The good thing about being at a trade show all week is that I didn’t have a lot of time to think/worry/cry about SexyPants. Now that my life this week will be back to “normal” it’s going to be a different story.
Alas, the show must go on at work and that will help keep me busy, but heartbreak creeps in every now and then and I well up with tears and again think about where I went wrong. Because truly, with two broken engagements now under my belt, it’s time to start truly thinking about why.
I’ve covered in a previous entry what all of these guys have in common, and maybe I should start listing out what I personally did in these relationships to see a kind of pattern. What stands out most is:
I ignored RED FLAGS. Look. I’ve finally, finally gotten it into my thick skull that when a guy tells me that he cheated on his ex-wife, regardless of the reason, that he’s NOT a good person for me to date. Maybe he is for other people, but he is NOT good for ME. SP told me his cheating/double life story on our very first date! I believe that the theory is true: most men will tell you pretty much everything you need to know on the first date if you ask the right questions. Even though I did ask those questions, I think that there were things about him that intrigued me in such a way that I wanted to know more about him. Whatever the case may be, I should NEVER date someone who reveals that they are/were a cheater! David (LDL) told me that he cheated because his ex-wife cheated on him. Not a good reason! NOT someone I should have dated. And Bryan gave me some weird shit about his horrible ex-wife too. Look, they married those women willfully and happily. I agree that things can fall apart, but when it’s all about what a shithead the ex-wife was, I believe that’s a big RED FLAG. Don’t get me started about the family member estrangement issues that they all had. Just. Weird!!
I was the first real serious relationship after a divorce for each one of these guys. I hate that my timing has been crappy – met all of these men within 6 months of their divorces. In fact, SP knew that he was separated, but didn’t know if that was a real divorce (???!!!). WTF? SP had dated a woman for about 6 months before me, and I thought that maybe she was the rebound (guess she was in a way), but I was the one he got really serious with. David was still in love with his ex-wife. Cool, huh? And Bryan had some really fucked up mommy issues with his ex. Each one of those guys latched onto me in a way that made me feel extremely loved and wanted, but I know now that it was probably too much too fast.
I wasn’t really myself. For both David and Bryan I was truly a different person when I was with them than when I was not. I changed my personality for them – and not really for the better. I was like, this kinda quiet, agreeable person who succumbed to any and all requests and ideas from them. That was weird. My friends and family thought so too. With SP it was different in that he had a calming effect on me, at least at first. We supported each other and pumped each other up and shared this JOY of completing each other. Trouble was, SP was not being honest with me and when I found out, I was so confused because we’d told each other how happy we were that we could be our “real and genuine” selves with each other. Maybe I never trusted that I was with his genuine self again. I don’t know. All I know is that I had times of extreme agitation when he was traveling and out of communication. It bugged me so much to be that way and try to pretend that I was not worried. I kept telling myself that I couldn’t/shouldn’t be that way if I wanted it to work. But I couldn’t help it!
I stayed in too long. Even after all of the red flags flew and the bombs exploded with each one of my exes, I found myself wanting to make a broken thing work. I couldn’t stand to be defeated…had to make these things work!! Even though I eventually ended things with David, I stayed present in that relationship for SEVEN years, which was about six years too long. After Bryan left me, he (kinda) wanted to come back, and I secretly (and not-so-secretly) saw him for almost a year. And after the discovery of SP’s infidelities, we tried to make it work for two more years. UGH.
OK. This has been extremely cathartic. Lots to chew on. Mmmmm! I’m glad I wrote all of this out. I gotta get back to work, but I’m sure I’ll explore this more. Thank you for listening.
I love you, GS
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