You in You

It’s hard to think about a life without you. You’ve been in my life for more than eight years, and though we are so far apart, it’s remarkable how close we’ve stayed since. Even though you piss me off, take control of my life, and act like a selfish bitch most of the time, I can’t help but love you still. I’ve never had anyone who is as close as you are to me. For a time in the beginning, I could talk to you about anything and everything. I could share my secret thoughts and desires, and I still can right now, but you can’t know about my problems. Not when you’re too focused and burdened with your own. But I get it. You’re damaged. You want the attention you never got enough of when you were growing up. You want someone to actually care about you. And that’s understandable. Everyone wants someone to care about them, especially when you’ve gone through terrible things that made you traumatized.
You know I’ve always been sympathetic, and even empathetic, but your experiences from the past never gives you an excuse to ruin and hurt the people around you now.
I miss you. I think about you every day, and I worry about you when I’m not there. But I can’t always be there. I want you to learn how to live on your own, and accept the good and happy things that come into your life. I want you to ‘be’ happy, and not throw away opportunities for love and a future.
But I feel like every time something good happens, it never lasts for you. Sometimes it’s your fault, but other times I know it’s not. And sometimes I feel like it’s my fault. Doing what we’re doing is distracting you too much. You think about it and want it constantly in every minute of your life, and frankly it’s driving me mad because i can’t keep up with you and your bullshit of an excuse that you can’t think of anything else but this, and that’s why you ruin your own life.
Loving you is such a hard thing to do, and I know I shouldn’t keep you in my life, but.. You’re the first person I ever connected with. You get me in ways that no one else does, and I can say things that I can’t say in front of other people. We have secrets, and memories, and dreams we’ve talked about, and I treasure those moments with my life.
Loving you is hard.. But losing you is even harder.