Desperation in Lame Rants

I’ve never thought that I would be the type of person that writes in a diary, let alone a public one . But lately I feel like my life is a waste . People who know me would say that I’m just being a brat and that I’m just ungrateful. But the truth is nobody knows the amount of stress, pressure and depression I’m having. And even when I say that I’m just stressed. They would just brush it off and say that everything is going to be fine. But I know that it’s not. One day I’m going to burst. Everyone thinks that I’m doing well because I’ve been working and earning a lot of money. I’m considered as a “successful” person because of that. But inside I feel like a loser. Like a nobody. I mean okay I’ve been working for what 3 years now? I’m also studying full time. So for 3 years I had to struggle between studying and working for at least 14 hours everyday. I can’t stop working because I’m paying for my tuition and living expenses on my own. Quitting my job is out of the question. So I needed to keep working. What I had to sacrifice is my social life and being a normal person. I’m more like an introvert . I have very few friends. I go to the same places and I do the same things every day. My life is very monotone and boring. I just don’t see any point in living anymore. I have no dreams or ambitions. I’m just not happy . Not happy about my studies, not happy about my job , not happy about my myself as a person . I feel empty. And of course tried fill up this emptiness with some activities, but it did not work. I developed some very bad habits : eating and buying my feelings . I’m eating and shopping non stop. It makes me happy for a while then I’m back to the sadness again. I’m spending money I should be saving since I’m moving out France for six months. It should be a good thing and I should be happy and excited about it but I’m not. When it comes to dating of course I don’t do that since I don’t go out and I don’t mingle with a lot of people . Even the very few guys I have interacted with always seem to want to have sex or to play around. And I’m not that kind of girl. I’m very shy, so they end up losing interest. I feel very alone. And no one seems to get that I am struggling. Not even my family. They think I am fine. But I’m not . I just want everything to end …