i could start this out by saying 2019 was the worst year of my life, and i could even be telling the truth because that’s how it felt. it felt like i was hitting obstacle after obstacle and i couldn’t catch my breath. i was genuinely running out of motivation to keep getting up. my grandfather, the light of my life, passed away. it was unexpected but that doesn’t mean it hurt any less.
i met someone who i thought could help me understand what it was like to love. i have dated before, don’t get me wrong, but i’ve been closeted my whole life. i am one of those people that are hard to open up because of previous encounters. i know it’s a mental thing, but damn it’s a fucking downer. after months and months of talking and being manipulated, i finally decided that she deserved a chance. i deserve a chance. the day i got back from my sister’s bachelorette party, she left me and blamed her mental health.
a week later she posted about how much she loves her girlfriend.
on december 31st, 2018, i remember making the resolution of “new year, new me” and desperately trying to live it out over the course of 365 days. and i succeeded. it was a new me because i had lost myself. i fell down so far and was so blinded by my fake happiness that i had convinced myself it was real. i had bad days, worse days, and days i don’t even know how i survived. all this pent up anger and sadness pulsating in my mind and body just waiting for the slightest inconvenience so it could explode. i don’t want that for me anymore. i miss who i used to be. this year i’m going to find me. i will travel the distances and i will fucking find myself again. i’m going to do what’s best for me.
Loading comments...