Christmas should be a time of happiness and peace. Jesus’s Birthday celebration. Family coming together and sharing in traditions. For me it’s a daunting day, a day I have to put on my mask and pretend to be ok for everyone else’s sake.
This year it would be me, my 2 girls, (we’ll call them K and M from here on), and 11 other people. Close family and “friends”. I left my second abuser this year, and life has been very peaceful… minus the PTSD Anxiety and panic disorder that he and my first abuser left me scarred with. This year, for the first time in 10 years I was actually excited for Christmas! There would be no drama! There would be no dirty looks, or someone mouthing for me to shut up if I was saying something “wrong”.
I planned a beautiful Christmas party. I bought enough food to feed an army and got up at 4 am to cook it all. The day before the party my dad called to cancel. I was sad. I haven’t seen him in eight years and my stepmom of 24 years was just murdered by her own son in August. I had hoped my dad would come visit for Christmas and get away from his stress for the weekend. I can understand though. He is dealing with her family and his own PTSD and problems. I was just glad to hear he was ok.
My mom was the first one to show up at 10am Cristmas morning. I had most of the food done by then, my counters were full of Christmas snacks, baked goods, turkey and chilli, all made from scratch. Shortly after she arrived the texts and Facebook messages started rolling in… everyone canceled. Seriously out of 11 people my mom was the only one to show up. One “friend” messaged me at 2 saying he was still coming. Then ghosted me. Setting in stone my hearts worst fears that it really is unwanted. (Thank goodness I know my friend is ok, as he is still posting on Facebook) It turned out ok though. I still made it the best Christmas I could for my girls and my mom. I put on my mask with it’s fake smile. I mean why not? The mask is comfortable. I’ve worn it for years.
Three days later; now the storm, now I am paying for putting on that mask. It makes me physically ill when I bury my emotions like that. I have a headache, I am sick to my stomach, I am exhausted. I don’t have the energy to be mad at anyone. My girls have had an amazing Christmas and I am proud of that, I worked hard for that, they deserved it. M and K help me so much being a single mom. They carry their weight with little to no complaint… but I fear they are emulating me. Wearing their own masks that I am blind to. How much have I damaged my beautiful girls. Dragging through my personal Hell?
I do wonder now, what is wrong with me? Why don’t my own friends and family want to be around me? Am I annoying? Am I more closed off to people than I realize? Am I trying too hard? I haven’t had friends in a long time. I haven’t connected with family in a long time. The relationships I was in made friendships and family relationships impossible to maintain. Now I don’t remember how to have friends, and am truly unsure what I am doing wrong. Am I too pushy? Am I too quiet?
Today I feel drained, lost, confused and sick. Not a good day.
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