Although I have zero motivation to actually sort out my thoughts and journal this, I haven’t been able to get the thought of journaling this off of my mind. Granted, these thoughts generally surface once I’m half out of consciousness, as I’m tossing around in bed. A few nights in fact, I actually began “writing” this in my mind and the intro sounded a hell of a lot better than how this already sounds. What a shame.
Nevertheless, where does it start?
Does it start with me? Does it start with the fact that what I think I want in a partner or in relationships is the furthest thing from corresponding with what I actually seek, put up with, and walk out on?
Or what about karma? How does karma actually work? They say what goes around comes around three fold, but what are the stipulations? What if we are hurting someone, but by doing so, we are saving ourselves? Are the wellbeing’s of ourselves accounted for in what comes back around?
When I met you, you were absolutely everything I wanted in a human. You were thoughtful, self-less, funny, a great listener, accommodating, comforting, among so many other things. I don’t want to take any of that away from you, you are absolutely still all of those things. But there were other things also there, just a bit hidden.
You see, it was never about him. It was about the safe spaces being created for me. Maybe that’s what I’ve always followed, the space being held. Maybe I’ve just gravitated back and forth to spaces when I felt that one was being closed. In reality? Neither of those places were safe spaces.
Safe spaces aren’t verbal and physical abuse. They aren’t gaslighting, or manipulative and secretive ways to attempt to keep your dog from you, or ways to prevent her from getting care. Safe spaces aren’t telling your friends and family fabricated stories, or cheating.
The way I wrote this was definitely not how I intended to. I wanted to air the dirty laundry, start to finish. From the days I was yanked backwards by my shirt to keep me from walking out of the door, to when I still moved in, twice. Moments of sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing, or sitting helplessly in the bathroom wondering which path was that of least resistance in getting myself, my dog, and my things out.
This isn’t how I wanted it to end. Trust me. There are so many thoughts that bring me back to you. Your image still brings a sense of comfort to me. But of all of the lies and stories, I felt that I needed to maintain my own integrity. It hurts me knowing that something I wanted so badly with someone, was someone I didn’t know and the furthest thing from attainable. It was someone I needed to escape from. And in doing so, I hurt. It will be a shame if karma scolds me for that.
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