Late teenage years, pre-transition. Early onset of isolation. All names are changed.
To me, falling in love means the ability to cry with this person, hot passionate make out sessions, being vulnerable, telling them everything, my pain, my embarrassments, my hopes for the future, to hear, to be heard, to give only for a smile or sometimes just to know they can breathe.
Growing up trans and AMAB I learned early on to hide my feelings, hopes and aspirations from my friends. Honestly I was hiding them from myself just as much. I was close friends with a boy, my neighbor. Let’s call him Jerome. We also went to school together and we were friends for years, until I moved on with my life without him. I hid my feelings from him this whole time. If I had been born cis, I know that we would have dated. He would have been my boyfriend. That’s years of a long, rewarding romantic relationship that I missed out on.
One summer night, I was over at his house, and his parents were out. We were in the living room, sitting on his couch watching music video in the dark. We swam in his pool later that night, in our underwear. I think about that night a lot, and how different that would have looked if I had been a teenage cis girl. I wanted us to make love that night.
Goodbye Jerome. Our friendship ended pretty badly, but for what it’s worth, I was in love with you, at the time. I hope you forgive me and understand why I had to leave you behind, but honestly, I hope you never find out how I felt about you.
- Lost Drone
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