i was just skyping with her. its still new so i still dont know what to take of anything, but its distressing to see how things still affect me and how she is now subject to observing these things. realistically i should have known better than to ask her. i dont know what i was going for. was it an ego boost? i cant imagine it was as i kinda knew no matter what she said i would have felt weird and self conscious about. but its new, and i cant go showing these things to her right off the bat. she asked me why i thought she was special and i said i would rather tell her in person, that it felt insincere this way but she wanted something so i told her that she was unusually sweet to me. she then asked if people werent normally sweet to me and i successfully deflected. i should have known then that i was heading into trouble but i didnt. was too caught up in enjoying the moment to see it. i asked her why she thought i was. i dont know what i was expecting. maybe for her to repeat one of the things she had said in the past, which i think i would have dealt with without a problem. i think. she told me a few weeks ago "whatever happens in my life and whoever i end up with, i hope that they treat me the way that you treat me" and i was able to take that reasonably well. but this time... when i asked her why she thought i was special (and knew it was a mistake as soon as it made it out of my mouth) she said "because youre just such a good person. i cant think of any other way to describe it. you just care about other people so much without caring what they think of you and you stand for good things, believe in good things, and try hard to live a good life"
and goosebumps spread all over my body and i shook slightly and felt cold all of a sudden. i thankfully already had my face partially in a pillow so she couldnt see my face drop in the way i felt it. it was towards the end of the conversation and she was heading out to celebrate someones birthday so i told her to have fun and i would talk to her later. she knew something was up and as much as i wanted to fake it, i couldnt. it hit me a little too hard. she asked if i was ok, i said yes and said goodnight. she knows i dont take compliments well already, but i wonder if she doesnt notice that that means more than that.
one of the first few times we were hanging out we were fooling around and she had previously said that we werent going to have sex yet. i told her i was fine with that and it was up to her. she had gotten out of a relationship a few weeks before and said she needed more time before that. i said fine. as often happens though, we were fooling around, she rolled on top, and it started happening. a few moments in she asked me to get on top, i did, and a few seconds later she asked me to stop, got very withdrawn and serious looking, put her head on my chest, and fought hard to not cry. we were having sex no more than 40 seconds at the most. i apologized a bunch, she said it wasnt my fault, i felt like theworlds biggest asshole, and after i told her it was ok to cry, that i was there to help her and comfort her, she sobbed a little bit, fought tooth and nail to recover, then forced out a smile and said she was ok. when we later talked about it, she said it was because it was still too soon after her other relationship (which worries me immensely) but gave no further explanation. to me, it seems like not a full enough explanation, but i could bewrong and thats all that it is, that its just too little time between sexual partners. either way, she has shown me far more vulnerability than she intended on this soon (after her bit of sobbing she asked me "now do you think im crazy? after my little psychotic post sex breakdown" and i had to smile so she wouldnt see) so in a way i feel a little better about her seeing that, but the main point is moreso: why i feel like such a piece of shit when someone says they think im a good person. i mean, it doesnt make me feel good at all. in the slightest. you would think there would be a small tinge of pride or something, but there is not. i cant even describe the feeling. its something like suddenly and abruptly being exposed as living the biggest lie in existence. being blown wide open, naked and defenseless in front of everyone you know. i felt ashamed when she said that. i felt like i wanted to crawl in a hole and die. at the moment, i considered closingthe laptop and if it wouldnt have hurt her, confused her, and shown her so much more than i am confortable with, i would have. i didnt want to look at heranymore. i dont know why. i hate that i feel like this. that now, i know i will barely sleep tonight and she will text me when she gets home to let me know shes safe at 12 or 1 and i will still be up, staring at the ceiling and listening to my stupid landlords stupid reality tv shows blasting in the living room.
i never wanted to be like this. if she sticks around, she will eventually see this. that, more than anything, more than the thought of being abandoned by her, scares the ever loving shit out of me. and if the thought of showing someone i care about, someone i see as someone i could possibly love, if that thought scares me... showing her the real me. well... what the fuck good is any of this.
Loading comments...