i always work things out best out loud it seems. for as long as i can remember, i have been talking to myself. have spent most of today doing it. partially because i rarely find anyone i can trust enough to share these thoughts with. now, more than ever, because the few people i felt i trusted and and could speak to have slipped back. almost as if i speak so low that they have to be so close to hear it. and when either of us dont fight to keep it close, we slip back, just out of hearing range. im dying to talk to one of them now. but they arent here. i have friends i could reach out to, who would gladly come over and listen to me say whatever i want to vent about, but it wouldnt work. it wouldnt be a release. either because they dont know me well enough go give any proper feedback, or because i dont trust them enough to really open up, or, the most common, they would just talk too damn much and bring it around to be about them. in the end, i end up feeling like i got nowhere, usually because most people just dont know how to listen. then, afterwards, i still feel like shit and am nervous because i just opened to this person who didnt get it.
so i have conversations with myself. i argue both sides. one side pities me usually, the other side, the stronger side, hates me. belittles me and tells me how it was only meant to happen one way, because i am a fuck up.
sometimes i still talk to alana. i usually cant talk to her long though. i lose focus. i cant hear her. she just stares at me sadly with those big brown eyes. i miss having hilary to talk to. she has moved on in her life. she is happy now, so doesnt have much time for me. we helped each other because we hurt together. TJ... she has done the normal thing and greatly reduced contact with me since she got in a relationship. neither of them ever completely got it anyways. TJ always turned the conversation to be about herself. hilary cared, we just didnt know one another well enough to help. at least it was something though.
when i wrote on OD it was always as if it was to someone. a monologue more than a soliloquy. i never knew to whom though. i still dont. but now, here, its like when i wrote emails to my friend E. i havent heard from her in a while now and its been tough. since the collapse of OD i seem to have lost her. she knows where to find me though. i wish she would. she might even read this someday. i feel self conscious just typing this, but i feel like i need her a lot more than she needed me. i am sitting on this couch that i have barely left all day today feeling sorry for myself and trying to argue myself out of some kind of depressed self loathing and i just wish i had someone i could talk to. E was one of the few people in my life who i feel i resonated with. and i miss that so.
i feel as if i now have to swallow this, or deal with it a new way. the correct way. allow it to happen, process it, accept it, and move on. i dont know if i am strong enough to do the second. i have never been in the past. and i also fear that if i do the second, i have to set definites. i have to work my way away from this. i dont think i can leave this door open. and i dont know what is going to happen.
i detest this about myself so much. my weakness and inability to act when need be. i sit in my head and stew. i think and rethink and overthink. but i cant stop myself partially because... it gets results. i saw this coming, before she did i think. probably from the get go.
we have to give people chances. i have to give people chances. everyone is not everyone i have ever known. i cannot tie the new people to the mistakes of the old ones. but when my life seems to be on repeat... whats to be done then? when the same keeps happening over and over despite trying to do it better the next time?
i have so many doubts. i doubt myself. i doubt others. i doubt every situation. i have resolved that you cannot depend on anyone but yourself, and even then, i let me down more often than anyone else does... i hate that i have seen that other people are not dependable. because that also means that i am not dependable. that i have left people alone in their times of need. that i have been a bad friend. i cannot look at this and say that people have let me down and i have not let them down. i am just as guilty. this makes me so sad.
it took over 4 years. for what? for this? is this what i have been waiting nearly half a decade for? what a thing to wait for. i have traveled continuously looking for something worthwhile. something or someone. i have seen more of this world than most ever will and am constantly saddened that i havent found nearly as much as i had hoped. maybe its all me.
maybe its not the world. others have looked at the same world and been pushed to tears by its beauty. it stews a feeling bordering on jealous rage. i have seen so much, and been left so wanted whereas others have seen half and smile and laugh because it is so amazing. so really. its me. but i think ive know that all along.
i write to you kiddo i think. nowadays at least. all those emails. i have grown into a mode where i am addressing an invisible no one, but that no one is you. just to exchange stories, concerns, and receive little snippits of advice, or just acknowledgement of the oration in return. no ones conversation will ever fix these things. no one hugging me and telling me "its all gonna be all right" is gonna change anything. but i think it helps me. to know that people give a shit.
i am sitting here, writing this, in the hopes that it drains enough out of me that i am not tempted into calling or texting someone who i know wont give a shit. who will give me the required amount of ear time to be polite, then talk of their ailing relationship, or their drunk father, or their dead end job. i am pleading with my mind that if i talk to myself or alana enough, that it will be enough to silence what has always been the loudest part of me.
even here. i am not comfortable enough to say any of this. i talk about the circumstances and the correllations without saying its name. this is too new to me. i cant commit.
a few hours ago, i stood at the window, watching the river go by. i said "you are going to spend the rest of this day figuring this out. you are going to wallow in your self pity, you are going to hate yourself and everyone else. you can yell and scream and cry if you want. but tomorrow, you are going to get up, go to work, see your friends, and move on. because you cant keep living like this. you need to stop being such a baby. you need to man up. you are going to be ok"
i got that out. stood and stared for a minute. then the other part spoke up. softly and assuredly. "no you arent. youre a coward"
he is indefatigable.
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