“How are you? I’m fine, and you? I’m okay.”
Does this sound familiar? Of course it does, this is how we greet each other every day. We are so accustomed to saying such run-of-the-mill responses that we don’t really even think about it. Most people only ask how are you because it is the norm. They don’t usually care, and if you do try to tell them if something is going on, especially something bad, they become uncomfortable. If someone asked me right now, how are you? I would say I’m fine, like normal, but inside is turmoil.
I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay! And that is okay. Why do we have to be fine or okay all the time? What happened to sympathy and empathy? Why so we have to pretend like everything is peachy keen when it is not? Do you know what it is like going around day to day not being okay but having to hide it all the time? I have to pretend like nothing is bothering me. I save my sorrows, my fears, my anger, and all my emotions until I get to the safety of my home. All I want to do is just die. Not suicidal-ly, never. But emotionally. I wish I didn’t feel so much. I wish I didn’t hurt so much. I wish I had friends I could turn to and talk to and who would even come over for emotional support by being there and not letting me be alone.
I know I am a person with anxiety, I have to learn to accept that. I am also a person who tends to feel much more emotionally than others. The two of them together are a nightmare. I wake up in the middle of the night from a restful sleep just to lay there for hours just thinking nonstop. I know I am not the only one like this. But most people just don’t seem to understand.
They say knowledge is power, and ignorance is bliss. But which one is better? If you have a crush on someone and you want to know if they like you, is it better to know that they don’t like you (knowledge is power), so you can get over them and move on, or do you shy away from learning the truth and just keep your feelings to yourself in fear of rejection (ignorance is bliss)? I used to believe ignorance is bliss when it came to this type of thing, but I now feel like knowledge is power. Why would I want my highly emotional, anxiety filled self to keep going on not knowing and imagining a thousand and ten scenarios on a daily basis of us being together all while getting my hopes up, or I could get a little hurt, cry it out and move on.
I am lonely and alone. My friends are one and a half hours away. But often I don’t feel like I can turn to them for emotional support. My emotional support is on the other side of the world, literally. They are busy with their own lives. Sometimes I wish I was back over there, being surrounded by people I could talk to, or maybe not being stared out as I walk down the street because I am a foreigner. It makes me feel worse. I don’t feel like my friends here are for emotional support. I feel like they are just “on the surface friends” and I wish I had deeper ones.
I am not okay.
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