Not too sure where i would like to go with this post, as mentioned in my post from yesterday, i have no real idea what i should be writing just that it is a good idea to be getting these thoughts from my mind. i think that i am going to spew all my thoughts into a couple of posts at first to get out all things that already happen in my mind.. once that is done, i will focus on the more detailed and smaller things.
Another thing that i mentioned in my first post is that i am constant stressing, worrying about everything. It is funny because i would be that if you ask anyone around me if i ever seem stressed they would tell you that i never let things bother me. I suppose that is where the need for an outlet comes from.
My father ALWAYS talks about money, saving, where he has put his money, how it is doing.... it drives me nuts because, while i have always been good with numbers, i have always been terrible with money. I have tried to learn from him (and others) over the years but i think that i have learned is to worry about money.
i am making a decent living but my family is definitely living beyond our means. I am the sole provider fo a family of 4 with mortgages, cars, school costs, etc. My wife has been looking for work for a year, though i am not entirely sure how much she is looking because she is afraid to go to work. So all of the pressure falls on me and it scares the hell out of me every day.
My health is another concern of mine. I have been trying to get a doctor to see me for a little over 7 months now to do a bit of a physical and recommend a couple things for me. I don’t really have time or patience to go to walk in clinics because i have never actually received any real treatment or advice from a walk in clinic beyond ‘take some Advil when it hurts’.
I have had bad knees since i was a teenager, i grew too fast and it caused some issues. I just found out that there is a surgery that i could get that could get rid of most of my daily pain and discomfort but i need to be referred to a specialist and i haven’t been able to get that done yet, despite booking appointments and going too different clinics.
Another BIG concern of mine that i think about every day is that prostate cancer runs in my family and i am about the age where it could be detected. With being on waiting lists for doctors and not able to get screened for it, i get more and more worried every day. I don’t really know if that is a real fear or not because i can only get the information that the internet can provide and nothing else because no doctors within 30 miles are taking new patients.
aside from all of that, i have my personal life fears.. things that are always constantly poking and prodding the back of my mind. i am worried that my wife is depressed, that she drinks alone, that she never seems happy with me.
I know that she doesn’t trust me much… i used to travel a lot for work and we grew apart for a while. I later found out that she thought that i was cheating on her, which i never did. it turns out, however, that when someone is sitting at home, not working, no kids, they have lots of time to think of every possible negative scenario. so it is baked in her mind all the bad things that i could have possibly been doing when all i wanted to be doing was be back home or have her with me on the trips.
anyways, that is the tip of the ice berg. i will probably write more things as the days go by. thanks for reading.
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