(This entry will be disjointed. when it comes to this subject it is all but impossible to write about it cohesively)
Emotions are hard. Being around and interacting with people with emotions is hard. Emoting, appropriately responding to other peoples emotions. Having and showing regard for someone. Real life cold opens are really diffucult for me. Especially around new people.
recent example- My husband was in a play in our small town. After the play they had a receiving line for the performers. As I was standing in line I realized I had no idea what to say when I got in front of the performers. I listened to people’s comments in front of me but when I got to the first person I just shook her hand and sort of smiled and said nothing. (I didn’t particularly care for her performance, she overacted I felt.) So, with my nervousness at the situation, and not wanting to lie and say good performance but wanting to say something complimentary and coming up with nothing in the moment I said nothing and shook her hand. I felt awkward, you could see on her face that she felt the awkwardness I was putting out. Another tally for my weird girl title.
Wedding receiving lines are a bit better but still stressful for me. Funeral receiving lines, oh holy hell. I went with my husband to one a few years ago to the visitation of someone my husband met through work. My husband is and assistant county attorney and the widow worked in the same office doing collections, she also was a bit if a makeshift secretary (very small town, he didn’t have an actual secretary) Chris had met the husband through the course of his job and their job crossing paths on occasion. I had only met the widow once, maybe twice and never met the man the funeral was for. So I really knew no one there at a very emotionally charged occasion. I never know what to say. Saying things like “my condolences” or “I’m sorry for your loss”, I’ve always felt like they sound hollow, forced, or reflex, no matter how sincerely they may be said.
These are just some examples. I have many more instances in my life where I struggle to be human to another human being. How to respond to someone who is mad, or crying, or scared. Most of the time I just wish I could dissolve away because I feel like I have nothing to contribute to the situation and my feeling awkward just makes the situation worse. I never feel like I am capable of saying the right thing, or even knowing when to speak and when to stay quiet, which is why I say nothing in most any social situation. I get into much less trouble that way. I never trust myself to say something thoughtful, or sincere-sounding, or not stupid, or not offensive.
This is the way I feel around strangers. Then we get into the layers of people that I know- aquaintances, loose friends, good friends, and family. The closer you get to close relationships the more comfortable I get with those people, but I never get to complete comfort. Parents and my husband are as close to complete comfort as I get. But a good relationship between and husband and wife (I feel) should be one of complete comfort. I don’t think I have ever had that. Early on in the relationship I didn’t have it because I was still getting to know him. After a few years I think was to closest I got to feeling it. Once we got married it went backward.
awkward family (extended), core family was less emotionally open than husbands family. Always felt socially awkward, ADD. Everyone has hang-ups about themselves I just let myself stew and ferment in them a little too much. I ruminate. I hate that most about myself. I wish I was better. I’m sick of letting my hang-ups control me. I’ve been this way for so long that I don’t know how to be better. I feel like I make everything harder for myself, both intentionally and unintentionally.
socially- awkard, inept, undercooked, immature, underdeveloped, stunted,
Broken, I have called myself that for so long. I still believe it but I am so tired of hearing me call myself that.
I think the reason I am so fearful and stressed during social interaction is because I think I just don’t have good instincts when I comes to reading a situation. So when it comes to knowing how to act I don’t have that resource that tells me, ok this is the vibe in the room so this is how to behave based on that. I know that not everyone has that. Not everyone neccesarily does. There are many types of people out there, many different personalities. There are some people that can read a room and behave accordingly, some people are just naturally charming. Some are awkward in an unassuming or benign kind of way. Some people are just obnoxious. people have good days and bad days.
So what all this talk about my bullshit is, is that there is no aspect of my life that it doesn’t affect. I touched on it earlier but the one thing it hurts the most is my marriage. It makes me shit at being a wife. A wife in the fullest sense of the term. I don’t know how to think of him first, give him proper affection, attention, interest. I don’t withhold any of it intentionally. I just don’t know how to … i don’t know, be, think, act, speak, listen, love. I don’t know how to give him what he needs, I don’t know if I give him enough when I do give. I feel like he feels that if he needs to ask for a hug, or if he has to tell me I need to do more then, that means that I don’t love him enough or care about him enough to do it right or do enough in the first place. There is a book about love languages. The book outlines essentially 5 different languages. For the most part we speak different love languages. I feel like he doesn’t understand that because I don’t speak in his love language I need a translator. I still feel love, I just need to get it translated so he can read it.
There are many things I know and understand i.e. no one is perfect, everyone has flaws, everyone has bad days, everyone has something they are bad at, everyone feels insecure, everyone had problems/issues, not everyone can be a 10, love is subjective, beauty is subjective, knowing all this doesn’t help me feel like I haven’t failed.
He has been patient for far too long and just don’t know if I have any time left to do better (if I even have the ability) or if he has finally thrown in the towel.
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