My life has had more changes in the last year than the rest of my life. Most of the changes have come from a new mindset. Here are some of the changes that have occurred. I moved half way across the US, I started a new job, finished my masters degree, bought my first house, turned 30, tired alcohol and weed for the first time, and last, but the biggest of all? I left the Mormon religion and have moved to a more agnostic point of view. Losing my faith has been one of the wildest roller coasters I have ever experienced. One of my best friends, who has been a huge help in me dealing with my faith journey, mentioned this website as a place to write my thoughts.
A year ago today I was a devote stalwart Mormon and held high leadership positions within the organization. My entire life I was raised with the point of view of this is the one true faith upon the earth and I felt 100% confident in that too. So what was it that “broke my shelf” and caused me to transition out? It all started with me wanting to be better at my position at church. I would teach on occasion in my position and wanted to know the history. I dove deep into the history. The more I learned, the more I was shocked. I became obsessed to where I would listen to podcasts at work about it, read at home, research on the internet, etc. It was all consuming and is all I could think about. I stopped writing my thesis for a time just to fill time with studying Mormon history. I finally encountered one story that was the butterfly that landed on the branch to weight it down to finally tumble down and crash. It was the heartbreaking story of Zina Young; Look it up if you are curious. My entire world view for 30 years was shattered into pieces within few weeks.
My whole life I carried guilt, shame, anxiety, sorrow, and a fear of the future. I clung to my god for everything. I married young and had 2 kids early. This was due to social and church pressures. I was told that those who are not in the faith aren’t truly happy, and it’s all fake happiness. But what we feel is true happiness.... even though statistically speaking, the most Mormon prone state (Utah) has more people on antidepressants than anywhere else per capita.
I hid my thoughts and feelings from my wife. I was afraid to tell her and anyone else in my family. I finally told my wife, she called our bishop, who is a good friend of mine, and he came over to my house to talk. My bishop knew very little of what I was talking him. I showed him my sources and he had no answer. To my wife’s everlasting credit, she openly listened to what I had to say. Within a week she was completely out of the faith and was slightly bitter and angry. I was one of the lucky ones to have my wife leave with me during my faith.
This year I have felt more happy, guilt free, and more mentally stable than I have in my entire life. I’ve built deeper relationships/friendships and have learned to think for myself and find what I value vs having someone tell me what I am supposed to value. My wife and I have had a much better connection finding our true selves. Simultaneously I’ve had feelings of anger, bitterness, sorrow, and fear. I feel like I missed out on years of dating, drinking, partying, or just being a normal kid. I feel like I’m living my 20’s in my 30’s. I spent my 20th year on a mission knocking peoples doors to convert them. You know those annoying shits that knock on your door to preach, that was me for two years. People don’t know how hard that is to be out knocking doors and they treat you like garbage. But can you blame them?!
My wife and I are too fearful to tell our family and are in a state of hiding. Those that know the Mormon faith know that it is extremely difficult to leave. We have found secret communities where we meet with others who are going through the same faith crisis. Words cannot express how hard, deep, and difficult this faith journey has been. I wish I could express the depth of pain I have felt this year with feeling like I lost everything spiritually.
Lastly I want to share something that has helped me immensely this year, especially with my faith crisis. I used to not be the most positive person. I made a goal to try and see the positive in everything, if possible. For example: At the time I was living in Houston, TX. I was driving down the highway and was cut off by a person weaving in and out of traffic during rush hour. My first thought was “Look at this dick head who thinks he is more important than everyone else.” I then changed my thinking to “Maybe he is rushing to the hospital for an emergency for his mom or wife.” It doesn’t matter what the real reason is that the person was driving like that. What matters was how I perceived that action. By seeing the situation in a positive light, I was not so angry. I am not saying be naive or unrealistic in your world view and expectations; I’m saying don’t take things so personally. Laugh instead of being mad. There’s no reason to let someone else shit on your day. Whenever you have had a recurring negative thought, stop and think of two positives. It has what has kept me going this year, and I can honestly say I view the world better and my life is much happier.
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