October 21, 2019 in Productivity Diary
- Oct. 22, 2019, 12:51 a.m.
- |
- Public
Starting Balance: 8.13 hours
-Work 1
-Work 2
-Law school prep
-Cooking
-Cleaning
-Exercising
-Prayers
Okay, I might just be so screwed already. Oh the headache, the exhaustion.
5 minutes alternating between:
-Lecture notes
-Lecture slides
-Answering the student’s email
5:07 AM 5 minutes lecture notes + 11 mins 32 secs
5:27 AM 5 minutes lecture slides + 6 mins 29 secs
5:41 AM 5minutes answering the student’s email + 5mins 6 secs
5:52 AM 5 minutes lecture notes + 1 mins 3 secs
5:59 Am taking a real quick short break.
6:52 AM That was not a quick short break. 5 minutes lecture slides.
1 hour 35 mins
😞 disappointing Monday. Tired, exhausted, burnt-out, did I mention disappointed? It all sucks.
Whatever. Gotta keep going no matter what. I’ll just do something easy for now to recover.
12:07 pm 10 mins comp reading.
12:18 pm 5 mins copm reading
Current Balance: 5.49 hours
12 mins 12 secs
5 mins 6 secs
6:35 PM another 5 minutes of comps reading because I cannot move.
6:44 pm another 5 minutes of comps reading because I cannot move.
10 mins 18 secs doing dishes.
4 mins 29 secs
Okay, let’s start this now:
-5 minutes posting things on Blackboard
-5 minutes emailing students
-10 minutes lecture notes
-10 minutes lecture slides
-5 minutes writing new essay prompt
I don’t feel like doing any kind of official work really. I’ll just entertain myself with long-term work for now though for sure I’ll regret it later.
25 mins 30 secs
Current Balance: 4.39 hours
I’m so gonna hate myself tomorrow.
29 mins 49 secs
Ending Balance: 3.91 hours
Another excerpt from my daily messages to him:
It’s really odd how I kinda just let other people make the big life decisions for me. It wasn’t their fault; they meant them as suggestions but I took them as imperative because I never knew how to think for myself. You wouldn’t believe all of this, but talking to you really helped. Yeah we were talking about a totally different thing, but that was how I learned that my feelings mattered too; and since, you know, everything was a metaphor of everything, I could apply that lesson to other areas.
How could I still miss you so much when truly I barely had an exchange with you in the past year? Okay, so I need to build real life relationships– I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m really trying.
I have just decided yesterday and today that I cannot handle all the stress and therefore will have to postpone applying for law school this year. It is semi-devastating, and I am making a sacrifice for the sake of another person, but should I? I just wonder if the trade-off of my well-being is worth it; if it is doing something concrete good to the other person, then yes, but I’m also wondering if I’m really making a difference. You kind of did the same thing for me right– sticking around while not being sure if this would make a difference?
Truly the reason why I’m so impatient for law school is just that I want a stable path and a stable career already, because I don’t feel like I should consider a relationship when I’m not in a stable place (I used to think that academia would be my stable path, but not anymore). But how about, like, so, taking advantage of this time to test the water with no-commitment dating?
Deleted user ⋅ October 22, 2019 (edited October 22, 2019)
Edited
for a long time i wished that i can be a somebody. i felt like a nobody. i want to know what it means to be loved. to be cherished. and known. understood. needed. and these mean a lot. and one may not have a lot of reminders about this but one needs to be reminded how worthy their thoughts and emotions are.
you mentioned you are making a sacrifice for the sake of another person, and you are uncertain about your decision. why the uncertainty? besides wondering whether the sacrifice will make a difference to the particular person's life, you may also ask, would this particular person have wanted you to make this sacrifice for their sake? because sometimes they would rather you have not. if it's too large a cost on your well-being. in my own experience someone i loved sacrificed too much for me that it broke my heart knowing that they did. this is what i have to say.
today can be a day to grieve, to mourn, and wait for the better. today you are waiting for a home to belong in. today your wounds may be unknown. that is okay. you are fighting through all and that is the right way to go.
Jinn Deleted user ⋅ October 23, 2019
No one could say it better than that ! This!
Deleted user Jinn ⋅ October 26, 2019
thank you so much, you are too kind!
Jinn Deleted user ⋅ October 26, 2019
:-)
dancingstrawberry Deleted user ⋅ October 25, 2019 (edited October 25, 2019)
Edited
I actually think the lesson is to learn to value your OWN thoughts and emotions. Wanting validations from other people can be a signed of not valuing yourself. This is a rather subtle point which I'm trying to figure out myself, but I think one of the milestones in life is realizing that you don't need as much external validations as you used to believe you do.
Ah, but sacrifices need to be made sometimes :) (not saying that all sacrifices are good of course, but some are good). I guess sometimes you can try not to feel sad about someone's sacrifice for you. Appreciate them, yes, but don't feel sad (especially if THEY don't feel sad), because we humans need the help of others to progress in life!
Deleted user dancingstrawberry ⋅ October 26, 2019 (edited October 26, 2019)
Edited
true, i agree. and yes it makes a beautiful relationship when people want to sacrifice for one another!