Today is my 43rd birthday. Aside from my parents, whom I live with, nobody has remembered yet. Not even a brief message from a stranger on any site where the date is public. No news from my friend.
For the first time since 1997-2000 (after graduating college/losing touch with the few “friends” (of convenience only, I guess) I had/losing all prospects of IRL friendship opportunities, and before coming online), it’s looking like I may have no more friends. No one to talk to. No one who cares about me or would really miss me when I’m gone. (I’m disabled, and since I have nobody in my life but my parents, it isn’t a matter of IF I’m gone, it’s just a matter of when. I can’t make it on my own and I have nobody else to turn to. When they’re gone, then I will be, too.)
In 43 years, despite all my (pathetic) efforts to be a good person, I will have made no lasting or meaningful impact on anyone.
I’m really hoping something changes in the next ten hours, or that maybe something (I hope not too serious/bad) just came up and has kept her preoccupied for the past couple of weeks, or maybe even she forgot (I wouldn’t be mad) and is just offline so hasn’t seen my e-mail, but…my mind made up all the same excuses, and even more outlandish ones, for everyone else I thought I was on good terms with who inexplicably went silent. It turned out that none of those people, not even the ones I’d already been friends with for years, wanted to stay my friend. None of them even cared enough to let me know this–I only found out when I asked them what was wrong and they either lashed out at me for being bigheaded enough to think I mattered that much, or they completely ignored me. And those were all people I replied to frequently and promptly–people to whom I WAS a good friend.
I wasn’t a good friend to her -_- …I gave her plenty of reason to give up on me…so why should I hope this time would be any different? I wouldn’t have been as patient as she was…
I have to hold in my tears until I go to bed tonight. Pretend to be okay and that I’m not crushed inside because my parents get annoyed when I’m upset about anything. (The reason I don’t count them as people I can talk to…because aside from the most trivial things, I can’t. They don’t know about my plans once they’re gone…I tried to tell them a few times, tell them that when they’re gone I’ll have no one and no means to live and that terrifies me, but they got irritated and tuned me out, so I stopped trying. I don’t tell them anymore how every day, I’m reminded how utterly useless and unwanted I am and I wish I was dead, I wish I’d never been born. They think I’m just exaggerating and being stupid. My old psychologist knew I have such thoughts/plans, but didn’t care and dropped me anyway. None of the other doctors I’ve hinted it to on medical forms (“Do you suffer from depression?–anxiety?–suicidal thoughts?”) have cared. Extended family don’t know or care and I’ve never had any acquaintances/coworkers/significant other/faith group/support group/hobby group to care. Obviously, nobody else IRL or online cares. Aside from these dumb posts, I keep it to myself now.)
I’m not good at faking an okay face when I feel like dying but I should be used to it by now.
I really hope something changes later today/tomorrow but I have no real reason or justification to expect it.
I guess my more reasonable/less selfish hope is that she’s okay.
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