The Day... in 2019

I brought her home bbq yesterday. She ate it, but threw it up several hours later. She wasn’t feeling badly yet, but she was at a day without really keeping food down and she hadn’t pooped in at least a day. I didn’t want her to feel badly.

So I got up this morning. I gave her a little bit of bbq. I got dressed and we took her to my parents house to visit with them. I had cuddled her all morning. I cried, even my dad cried. My mom went with us to the vet. My ex hubby met us there. My mom stayed in the waiting room and me, James and my ex hubby stood in the room. I had called ahead and they already had boxes of tissues in there. My vet explained everything. I held her while he gave her the sedative shot. It hurt and she squalled and she tried to bite me and the ex hubby bc we were within reach. She went to sleep slowly as I rocked her and said I was sorry and that I loved her and how she was the bestest puppy ever. He gave her the barbiturate shot as I held her and checked her heartbeat. He gave her a second shot of it. He announced “She always was the most stubborn dog I’ve ever known” and gave her a third dose. Her heart stopped. I held her a while longer. My vet told me not to let anyone make me feel stupid for grieving her because she was my child. He looked like he wanted to cry too. He’s been her vet as long as I’ve had her.

My mom paid for her bill and the cremation. They’ll call me when they get her ashes back. I donated the rest of her meds so that they can help someone else.

We went back to my parents house and then me, James and my mom went to eat bc I tend to eat my feelings. Then I came home and we napped. I feel dazed. Everyone says it will be alright, but I can’t picture life without her. She kept me going. She kept me sane. She made me feel not so alone in the world and not so angry. She made me a mom, no matter what anyone says.

She really was the bestest puppy ever.

Last updated July 10, 2020