Betrayal in Mistakes I Made

I’m sick of not being over you. I’m sick of feeling like it’s my fault when you were the one who left. I hate how my body was probably the only reason you were with me. When I’m reminded of you, I always ask myself what do I have that she doesn’t.. It’s obviously your heart if you guys are engaged and you’ve only been together for a year. I just don’t get how you didn’t like anything about me. Now I’m not saying I’m anywhere near perfect but I tried to be for you. I even got you an anniversary present way too soon because I wanted you to feel special. Funny how you never got gifts from girls before but I randomly thought of it for what I believe was your birthday but I honestly don’t remember because it has been way too long. I guarantee she was instead the first girl to give you a gift since you left me before I could even give it to you. Was she the first girl you took on a date too? Cuz I remember you only taking me to McDonald’s or you playing a video game after you took my virginity. You have no idea how much I wanted to save that for someone who deserved it. Sadly, I do not regret it cuz you made me feel comfortable in my own skin and anybody else would have made me feel awkward. I should have never jumped into a relationship with you but you were the one who said yes. I should have never begged for you to stay when you pretty much proved you only stayed for that one thing but I did. I can’t take anything back that I did but you also can’t take back the number of girls you have hurt. Granted I’m pretty sure you only put one other girl through more hell than you did me. I’m losing friends cuz I keep seeing people close to your fiancé. She was my ex best friend who I vented to about you. Why you were on my mind? I don’t know. Why I brought you up to her? I had to vent to someone and I thought I could trust her. Turns out that I couldn’t. She stabbed me in the back the minute she posted that pic of you on Snapchat. Remember? The actual date you took her on. Next thing I know you guys are engaged and she keeps trying to act all innocent when she knew how I would feel about you two together. I thought that if you dated a friend’s ex that it broke girl code but it seems like it has become a norm. I wonder how many girls have lost friends or knew how their friends were and wouldn’t bring any guys up to them. My mom doesn’t even have girl friends her age because she won’t trust anyone around my dad. My sister doesn’t have friends around her age because she doesn’t trust guys around her man. Where are the real girls that won’t talk to a friend’s ex? Because I’ve been having trust issues with girls ever since I started dating. Why is there even a code? I know my brother’s friends stick to bro code. Where do I find friends like that? They never talk to his exes and not one of them has tried to date me because they respect him so much. Where did the respect go with girls?