Living life. in Journal of life stuff

This is a reply I wrote to a friend, but it was entirely too long to send to her. So instead, I am posting it here, then paring it down to something more manageable for her.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply!

It reminds me most of something my mother told me. She is one of 5 children, and she ended up raising her siblings herself, mostly. Both her mother and father worked, but her mother…I don’t have the right word or phrase to describe the features of her mental state that do indeed make her a rather poor parent (even to this day – I saw the same things as a grandchild my mother pointed out about her mother when she was a child herself). My mother never wanted kids because of that. It’s interesting, but in my family, the women always want something different (more freedom) for their children, and the men want more of the same (more control, conformity, and obedience) than they had as children. It’s interesting to me that your mother and my mother both want similar things for us (more freedom than they had).

Your mother sounds like a wonderful person and I’m glad you have her.

When I look at my own high school peers (who got married, who didn’t, who got fat, who changed genders, who grew and who didn’t, who went to prison, etc). The single thing I appreciate now is just how long a human lifespan is. It wasn’t until I was 28 or so that I really appreciated the fact. It still blows my mind to realize that 1999 (a year with a lot of musical and social milestones for me) was 20 years ago. I got to experience and do a lot growing up. I could type out examples, but I don’t want it to seem like a competition because it isn’t. It’s just a timing difference. Out of all the people I knew in high school, I know of maybe 6 that are actually happy. The rest did what they were ‘supposed’ to do, or made due with situations they got themselves into according to society’s rules. When people say “many of your friends who say they are happy aren’t”, I can tell you that isn’t a lie. I’ve seen it with my high school peers.

The consistent trend I’ve seen among them is the ones that are happy got the things they actually cared about most. One was raised mormon and never saw fault in the church, so she married a returned missionary and started a family. She couldn’t be happier. Another married her high school sweetheart, found a nice house in the countryside of TN, and raises her family there. She didn’t grow much, but she’s content to live a life that’s familiar to her. Another wandered a long time until she found a guy who could both wander with her, and always make sure they had enough. She grew up poor, and had many nights where they was no food to eat. Now she posts photos of the food they eat, the beer they drink/make, and the places they live. Those three things mean more to her than anything else, because those three things were the things she never had as a child, and they are core needs to any human. In truth, who her husband is means very little to her, but his stability and ability to ensure they always have those things are what matters most to her. I could talk more about this friend, it isn’t as one-sided a relationship as I describe it here.

And on the counterpoint, the ‘gay guy’ (high school term) still whines about being single like I used to do. The lesbian (again, high school term) is now a man and despite having a partner, I still expect she’ll self-destruct in a few years. The kindest girl I knew in high school is married with 3 kids, but it isn’t the life she ever wanted. She posts photos of how happy she is, and how great her life is, but I see the same dead eyes I saw in high school. She’s not happy, she’s just trying to be cheerful for others. The man she married isn’t even 1% of the husband she really wanted, but he’s a decent father, and provides, so she doesn’t complain.

When I look at all these stories ‘content’ is the word that comes to mind more than anything. The people that are happy all found a place they can always go that is whatever they need it to be. For some of them, that’s a safe place with food and love. For others, it’s adventure. For others, it’s something familiar. They all found a home, regardless of whether that home is on their back, or a building they own the deed to. Some need families, some don’t even need pets. But for every one that is actually happy, they all found a place to weather life’s storms.

I think you’ve found that same peace. So don’t feel that pressure to settle down. I wouldn’t be shocked if you were just like Sarah, spending your life with a guy who travels with you, experiencing life with you. Unlike Sarah, your photos won’t be of food, beer, and shelter. But there are things that matter to you, and those will be the things you share with him. And, maybe you don’t need another person to be content. I know a few people from high school and college who are perfectly happy single. They don’t even date. I couldn’t tell you why, because the concept of being content while alone is utterly alien to me. But they are, truly, happy. So it can happy. Oh, and not a single one of them his hostile to relationships. They just don’t pursue them because…it’s like a banana on a shelf. It’s always there if they want to eat it, but they don’t. So they don’t. It’s not good enough that they go ‘ooh, banana!’ and want to eat it, nor are they starving. But it’s always there as an option, and that’s enough for them.