Lately, everything has become stressful and currently, I think writing is the only way I can deal with it. So, today I’m starting this journal so I don’t feel so alone. Feel free to comment away.
My mom has cancer…again. I was really little when she had cancer the first time around and don’t remember much, but this time, I’m an adult. I have a full-time job, as does my older brother. My younger sister, well…she has Down Syndrome. My mom is a full-time mother to my sister. She’s very low functioning so it’s not like what you see on movies and tv shows.
She’ll forever be mentally 7 years old. She can’t read or understand things, and her favorite word is “no.”
This week, while my mom is in the hospital getting surgery, I had to come home from work and be a mom. I had to cook and clean; my dad and brother don’t pick up after themselves and my mom was and always will be old fashion; a good wife takes care of her husband. I am not like that.
So, I cleaned the house while taking care of my sister. Then it came time to shower her. Since my sister is low functioning she can’t do it on her own. I have to stand there and watch her to make sure she rubs the soap all over, I have to shampoo and condition her hair, and make sure she’s all clean. It’s difficult for me to watch my sister who is a grown adult still have to be helped.
My mom wants me to take over her when she passes away. I don’t want to. It’s not because I don’t love my sister, because I do. But I didn’t choose to have her, I didn’t want this for my life. I want to move away from this town, I want to get married to my loving boyfriend, I want to travel the world.
If I have to take care of my sister, I can’t do any of that. I’d have to stay in this town, I would have to wait to move in with my boyfriend, and there’s no way I would be able to travel. My sister can’t walk long distances, she has a massive amount of anxiety, and she’s stubborn. If she doesn’t want to do it, she’s not going to and you’re never going to make her.
Everything is a struggle with her. To get her to brush her teeth in the morning is an hour-long debate. My mom thinks that I’m a horrible sister and a horrible daughter for not wanting to help out, but I want to be able to live my own life and go my own way without having to always worry about her. Of course, I wouldn’t just move away and never come back, but I’ve been dying for the chance to move out.
Currently, I am just hoping that my mom recovers well, her cancer goes away, and I don’t have to worry about this for a long time.
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