Could it be that I had done something wrong? Could it be that I had put myself into this situation? Maybe if I had not drank those beers or just went home instead. What will his family do? How can I get past this? I let my mom and dad down.. My sisters, brothers, and my second mom/aunt.. My body feels so gross. I can still feel his hands all over. I want to throw up, but I can’t. I want to scream at and punch him for what he did. Why did this happen? Let me be free again. Let me be able to walk in the streets without caring about his whereabouts. Why am I so scared just walking to my car? I hate it. I hate myself. I hate him. I hate this world. I do not want my life to halt like this.
For the past six years I have constantly told him, “Sorry, but you are a brother to me.” I know that it is typical for a girl to say that, but that was how I felt. Nevertheless, he still did what he did. Now I am at such a loss of motivation, hope, and joy. I always want to make others smile first, laugh continuously, and shine in the happiness. But I can’t do that, not right now. What am I to do? I shake every time I try to sleep. I get light headed and almost pass out because I forget to breath. My races and races for answers. I cannot comprehend why… Why did he do it? What will happen now? In the future? Love may never come for when my heart is ready again. Or am I just overthinking? Am I getting too worked up? What was the purpose of this again? I just wanted to release this gross, unforgettable feeling. I want to go back to being innocent. I want to run away. I want to cry, but only tears of joy. I want to laugh without forcing it. I want to exist again. So, why am I… Why am I holding back and not moving forward? Why am I letting this way me down? He was my best friend…
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