the cheater's confessions in confessions

I saw our future even before we started this whole mess. I know how we will end up. Yes, this bittersweet tragic love affair… I kept it quiet for quite sometime now…because no one will ever listen to the pains of a third party…the insignificant other…the other woman…the mistress. No one will ever understand the pain of loving a person in the wrong time. In this society that we live in, you will be incarcerated if ever they’ll find out that you have been cheating. I can understand that… I’ve been a victim myself. No one wants to get hurt. no one. I never even dreamed to be in this situation, not even once. You see, I am happy with my relationship with my boyfriend. He’s everything that I prayed for. We are not a perfect couple but we are happy with each other. Until one day, I have to work in another part of the country.It’s a five hours drive from home, so technically I cant go home often. But we were okay with it. Then two months later I met this guy…he’s newly hired…and he was friends with my other workmates.We even stay in the same apartment. Everything’s normal… what I meant by normal is we’re cool. I mean eventually after the getting to know each other stage we became good friends. We were best of friends. I told him about my relationships, my college escapades…I shared stories of my whole life to him…and he did the same thing. He has a girlfriend by the way, but the girl is working abroad so I don’t know, I guess it’s kind of hard for him. We were working together for more than two years when all this mess happened. It’s January of this year…and then there’s this festival that we went and we enjoyed so much with all of our friends…I mean it’s a week long celebration and I never thought that that would be the start. I was too drunk to walk that day… and he he carried me home..not literally of course, but I don’t know the next day I found myself holding his hands while watching the fireworks. I still considered it as normal , until someone in our group popped out a very scary question… we were asked if what’s going on between us, and I have no answer for that…because at that time I thought everything was just in my head…I mean I cant just wake up the next day that I feel something…I don’t know, it’s just weird and confusing at the same time. Until that holding hands lasted for days, and weeks and until we really confronted each other. I was very emotional that time…because I never expected that feeling. That forbidden feeling that I never wished to feel. I told him that more than anything else I wanted to save our friendship…so we decided or rather we tried to stop it. But guess what....sometimes the more you control it, the larger and deeper it becomes. We clearly cant stop what we feel. We just go with the flow…and I know it’s unfair, and very very wrong. Until our friends found out about it, many people tried to talk us out of it.I cant even accept the fact that I am cheating. I means its kind of my game way back in my college days but it’s not as serious as this. It’s scary and painful at the same time. God knows how my soundtrack shifted completely. Weeks became months and from holding hands it went on the next level. I was used by being next to him every time. He became my favorite escape from reality…the funny thing is I can no longer talk to him about my boyfriend and so he is…because obviously that would only hurt us both. You know I cant sit near him when he is talking to his girl on the phone because I am hurting like hell. .. and yes, this is the price that I’ve got to pay…the excruciating pain of the reality…that no matter what happens he will never be mine…and so am I. Hate me, but I wont deny the fact that I love those stolen kisses, those kisses under the stars…maybe we were both lonely…I don’t know. Every time, every time he is turning his back on me…I can feel it until on the tip of my fingers…the PAIN. THE PAIN OF LIES AND DECEPTION. THE PAIN OF NOT BEING THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE. But I don’t have the right to complain about that pain…because if this secret will go out in public , I know the pain that I feel right now is nothing compared to the pain that my boyfriend or his girlfriend would feel. I deserve to be  called  with names…I deserve it all. We tried and fail so many times…things just get worse everyday. We even admitted our true feelings with each other…just when I thought this is just like in the past..you know…flings. that he’ll just come and go. But what makes this very hard is I know when all of this is over and done, I cannot save our friendship. We already fell in love with each other, and I don’t know how to even let go. I would feel good if we were not committed with someone else but this seemed to be an endless journey of cheating until one of us literally breaks each others hearts. I should’ve not come in this place…I should’ve stayed home. But on the other hand, how I wish we’ve met sooner, maybe things would’ve turned out differently. Fate is such a funny thing. I will end this story by saying that things no matter how good, if it’s not meant to be…it will never be. We kind of met at the wrong time…so maybe in another life if it even existed…there’ll be that chapter that you and I are for each other. I can only blink my tears away, you don’t have to see them…I’m sorry we were both three years late.