This is new... in NKOTB

Lol, what do I say? I’m so used to being on my own and not sharing how I feel that I think I have handicapped myself concerning my emotions. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said I was ok when I wasn’t I wouldn’t have to work ever again. My family, my friends, my church family, my teachers and coworkers… all these people and in the midst there I am paralyzed by fear and for what? That one day I’ll wake up and they’ll finally see that I’m not who they think I am. Embarrassed by everything I’ve been through, ashamed and hurt. I just thought that once I was free of my past, I wouldn’t cry about it anymore but here I am. Idk maybe I’m just having a pity party. Or maybe after years of suppressing my memories I’m finally able to face my own heart. Idk I just thought everything was over, but it isn’t because I know I’m safe I know I’m healing I know that I’m strong and I know that I have faith and favor but What I don’t know is how in the world am I going to keep going after? My whole life was built around keeping this secret safe and now it’s no longer a secret and I don’t have anything to hide behind now, who am I going to be after? I keep fighting all these “what-ifs” in my mind more than focusing on what is but I guess that’s what important right now. All the “what-is” moments in my life that deserve to be appreciated and recognized, because I did have a rough childhood but I’m 22 now and I have the rest of my adult life to form better memories.