Scheme scheme, plot plot in Journal of life stuff

I took today off from Habitat. Partly because I was starting to burn out in my soul, partly because my muscles were sore, partly because the group we had Wednesday was…I got to interact with the volunteers, so when the group wants to only talk amongst itself it’s rather not-fun. The most social guy there sat down and tried to engage the group and got one-word replies that went nowhere. He buggered off and didn’t try again. When a 60 year old guy who has more charisma than a movie star can’t get someone to open up, there’s no hope.

So, I took today off to recharge. I’m trying to decide if I want to take tomorrow off too or go back. On one hand, I feel better when I spend the day working. I used to love Factorio and Overwatch, and other games. But…I just don’t get any joy out of them anymore. I want a real life. I want to raise a family. I’d rather have a dog that wants to spend time with me than play a video game. That said, a dog is not worth $70/mo to me (the cost at my current apartment) on top of the reality that I’d be gone most of the day.

I could go on a pity party but I’m not going to. That isn’t helpful to me or interesting to you. I paid for okcupid once and I got a date out of it. And it wasn’t a bad date either. The girl wasn’t that into me, but she was otherwise great. Like…she had good financial sense, she had a pet rabbit, she was chill…I’d have been totally happy being her boyfriend, but I don’t think I was hot enough for her. And a part of me wants to pay for online dating again, but another part of me doesn’t want to bother. If I have to pay to get someone to date me, why not go the sugaring route? Oh, it’s far more expensive, sure, but it’s also far less bullshit.

But is it really though? And it’s a lot easier to go on dates that cost $100 total than $800+. And that’s where I’m at. I need to ‘DO SOMETHING’ which means I need to stop thinking and just make a fucking decision that progresses the storyline. But I can’t bring myself to pay for online dating when I get, at best, 1 match a month. I keep looking online for groups where I might meet people IRL, but I find maybe one group on meetup.com that goes hiking. No board game groups (oh, one group…with 3 members), no discussion/debate groups, no exploring groups, no…:ugh:.

Years ago I asked a friend if I should just run my own group and was basically told it was a bad idea. I did and didn’t see their logic. The biggest problem I see is with, well, two things:

1. The group my friend ran worked because it basically said “the price of entry is admitting you’re bad at social skills. We all are, be awkward with us.” That meant we had 20-somethings who had never dated and 50-somethings who didn’t know how to cope with their divorces. You had a bit of everybody and it got weird many times, but never dangerous. It would just frustrate me to lead a group with 50 old, unattractive guys, in it.

2. I’m not overly good at picking out stuff to do anyway.

I’m good at tearing myself down instead of building myself up. You’ve no doubt noticed this.

In Overwatch, I’ve made a lot of progress in my personal growth. I used to be that kid that left comp games when people were being dumb, but now I stay. I used to get tilted at the slightest criticism, but now I have the good sense to call toxic people out in a useful way, or just mute audio/chat entirely to preserve my good nature.

I’m not perfect yet, but I can see where I came from and I see the good progress. I have a career with prospects, despite never feeling like I can get hired, I know I can. I have savings. I made a great call with Bitcoin and have nearly doubled my money already. I bought a walkstation and while that hasn’t helped me lose weight, I refuse to believe that my mood isn’t improved by being able to walk and write at times like this. I also refuse to believe it won’t do at least something positive for my health versus just sitting in my chair or idly fretting about my apartment.

Starting tomorrow (when I go shopping) I’m not going back onto a diet, I’m changing my lifestyle. I’m buying foods to make meals and that’s that. Grilled cheese sandwiches, frozen dinners I like, oatmeal or chicken for breakfast. It won’t be foods I love, but rather, foods I can tolerate. The reason being that I overeat when I have foods I actually like in the house, so I can’t have that. The biggest offender recently was nutella and crackers. I finally ran out of nutella, and just have crackers. It’s easy to not eat too many crackers in a day. They add a nice splash of carbs to a chicken breast for a meal.

I am a kind and considerate person. I care a lot about people and the only times that fails to show is either when I have a failure to imagine or lack of understanding. I’m still a human, not a character in a book or Mary Sue. It’s ok to keep track of your failures, it’s harmful to focus on them. Look at my previous entries? Tell me honestly that focusing on what you do wrong is in any way helpful. It’s not.

And it’s the part of me trying to focus on what I did right that says I should pay for online dating again. Part of me says to try match.com this time, but most people say that there are three big problems with match:

1. It’s expensive (relative to other options)
2. Most of the profiles are either inactive or unpaid accounts, so you’re basically messaging people who can’t read your messages, much less reply. And many won’t even read them, because they gave up on the site.
3. The response rate is no better than OKC, despite the higher cost and supposedly better quality matches.

But the part of me that focuses on where I succeeded still says to try it again. Because all I need is one win. A million failures won’t matter to me once I win one time. The reason I don’t immediately jump on that wagon is the reality that a million failures very well might literally kill me. Coping mechanisms are a limited resource in my world. I can’t use food. I MUST NOT use food. I have no family, I have no friends. I have just me. So I have to use those coping mechanisms judiciously.

I don’t want to go back to work. At the same time, I look forward to it. I like having something to do that isn’t as physically demanding as Habitat. I don’t like the rigidity of my schedule, nor the soul-sucking work we’re doing to slap bondo and fresh paint on a rustbucket and sell it as a new car.

I also want a clear idea of what I’ll do in retirement. That’s the real worry here. I’ll be retired, barring something truly fucked up, in 2-3 more years. What am I going to do? Well, let’s talk about it.

1. Move away from New England. I truly hate this place. I suspect I will only appreciate the opportunities of Boston once they’re gone, but I won’t miss the roads, the traffic, or the toxic progressivism.

2. Get a dog. I actually go back and forth on this one. Maybe I’ll start off as a dog walker or try to make friends with neighbors who have dogs. I want to spend time with an animal that loves me. I realize a cat might be a better fit for numerous reasons, but I’m more of a dog person in my heart.

3. Get a house or rent a house. I hate mowing a lawn, but I like the idea of having a garage and a place to myself. I like the idea of being able to (learn) play my violin without having to worry about disturbing my neighbors. I wouldn’t get anything fancy, but a small house, about the size we build for Habitat, would be fine.

4. Travel. This would more or less require sugaring or some variant thereof. If I could Thanos-style snap my fingers and make a dream so, I would not sugar, but instead ask the cute girl at the grocery store, or the bank teller, out on trips with me, and they’d accept rather than fear for their lives with a stranger. I want to take someone who can’t afford a trip and show them the wonders of this country. International travel I will consider when I have someone who can take the lead and assuage my fears there. So…I guess 4 is really not so much about traveling itself and more about giving experiences to people who I believe would enjoy them. But, because I’m a hetero male, those people will always be women. Because I enjoy their company infinitely more than the company of men.

5. Tinker? If I finally found a city/place in the country I enjoyed living enough to buy a house, I would start to tinker. Buy a CNC and learn to make stuff with it. Participate in maker spaces as an instructor (once I learned enough to do so). Consider teaching opportunities or outreach programs to teens or others who want to learn life skills. I have always loved sharing my knowledge and I am a good teacher. Let’s use those skills in a constructive manner.

That’…really all I can think of for now. #5 is something I could do right now. Why don’t I? Coping mechanisms. One bad day can undo weeks of good progress. I need better coping mechanisms in place first.

Not even in my wildest dreams to I imagine anyone will ever love me. My own parents don’t. My own family doesn’t. I don’t love me. But it’s the thing I need most of all. I need that validation that not everyone would rather spend time with someone else. Oh, my parents would love to spend time with me, but they only want that so they can use me later on. Their ‘love’ is a means to an end, and a method of control. That isn’t love. That’s bondage. Fuck bondage. I broke my chains, and I’ll never put them back on.

P.S. Sayy what? I’m comin for that number 1 spot! (delayed reference is best reference)