Hello reader,
I would like to welcome you into my daily thoughts and life. I’ve decided to write, to be able to tell someone about my day anonymously. I am not looking for attention, I am looking for a reader - a listener.
I am a young adult, 23 years young. I have recently been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and I am still learning on ways to cope. I am kindly asking you to not judge my over-reactions - my depressive episodes, my manic episodes. What seems little to you, seems big to me.
I recently graduated with my Bachelor’s degree in Human Services. I am a case manager for a supported living company. I work with clients with intellectual disabilities, severe disabilities, ect. They live in their own home, and they would have staff come to support you. Yes, the work is rewarding, but the stress added to my life is not.
My day today? Well, today I am depressed. I am feeling suicidal.
It started to be a normal day, I woke up at 7:00 AM, the usual. I ate a home-made egg Benedict - super good btw and headed down to work. Work was fine. Until, one of my clients had 7 seizures, and had to go to the emergency room with her. The paramedics had been called, and I followed the emergency dispatcher to the hospital. I was manic at this point, my stress level was high, as I care very much about this client. I was speeding, right behind the paramedics. I was behind the fire department truck, and the paramedic truck as I was heading out the apartment. The fire department, turns off his emergency lights and drives way behind me and the paramedics stops.
The fire department man comes out and roughly knocks on my window, and yells that I am not allowed to follow them and that I need to follow the law
I’m worried, did I get a ticket?
I have so many questions running through my head.
Why was I not thinking? Why am I like this? Why am I stupid? What is wrong with me?
WHY AM I OVER-REACTING?
Why is this making me depressed? I am trying to put the pieces of myself together. I want to understand myself, but there are so many missing pieces.
I am trying to write at the moment but my mom came from work (I still live with my parents because I am attending school again) and she is being loud. My boyfriend is on the phone with me and trying to talk to me. My head is racing with thoughts. I just can’t seem to catch a break.
I need a break....
I need time for myself.
The only time I have to myself is when I’m sleeping. Let me just fall into deep sleep…
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