things have been hard for me lately. i figured it’s time to do some journaling again, in hopes that it’ll help me gather my thoughts and figure out what i want. i used to write things physically, but then i get overwhelmed by all the pages waiting to be filled and i end up giving up. i probably won’t keep up with this, to be honest with you, but it’ll be here, completely anonymously, when i need it. and right now, i need it.
i found out recently that one of my closest friends, one of the men i trust the most in the world, raped a woman.
it happened over a year ago. they did molly (not that that excuses it, in any way, but it almost....makes me feel better? in a way? to know he wasn’t sober, wasn’t totally himself when it happened) and i guess had a threesome with her girlfriend. girlfriend left to do something else and returned to my friend, raping her girlfriend while she slept.
i am horrified.
a local facebook group i’m in called him out. the victim told the admins she wasn’t comfortable with him in the group and asked for him to be removed. one of the admins decided everyone else needed to know. i respect that decision. everyone banded together and decided everyone needed to know about it. i don’t blame them. i’ve done the same, and if i didn’t know him i would’ve been right with them.
i was shocked when i first saw the post. that’s how i found out. a facebook post. another friend showed me.
i mean, i understand why he didn’t tell us. there is literally no way to say, hey i raped someone, to your friends.
the facebook post was kind of vague at first. i showed my partner, who i met this friend through. they’ve known each other for like....12 years. we were both shocked. due to the vagueness of the post, we both kind of assumed it was some kind of misunderstanding. that there was no way. neither of us thought our friend could be capable of something like that.
i know this makes me sound like a real asshole. i just couldn’t believe it. i pushed it to the back of my mind. there was no way.
the friend who told me about the post initially, she asked an admin of the group that she’s friends with about it. they told her everything. all the details.
most importantly, that he had taken full responsibility and complied with the police.
i swear i felt my world crashing down at those words.
when i was 17, i was raped. during that time i was already struggling, with self harm, depression, an eating disorder. i was a perfect target. so vulnerable, just waiting for an older man to take advantage of me. i was desperate for validation.
the way i’ve coped through the years… even though logically i know that every human being has good and bad in them, i convinced myself, well, he’s just evil. that’s it. he’s an evil man.
i’m 25 now. i’ve healed a lot from my past traumas. i’m doing really well. things aren’t always easy, i do still struggle, but i never imagined i could come this far. sometimes i feel like being raped happened to someone else. i’ve learned to trust men again.
so you can imagine this has been devastating.
i feel fucking awful. stupid that i ever trusted him. stupid that i couldn’t see it in his eyes. i brought him around my female friends. i vouched for him. i’ve been alone with him a million times.
at the same time i.... i know this isn’t normal him. he was on drugs. not sober.
a general rule for me has always been that if someone i know is accused of assault, i shouldn’t associate with them anymore. he wasn’t even accused. he admitted to doing it.
but it doesn’t seem that easy?
i care deeply about this person. it’s horrible what he did, and i can’t excuse it, or ignore it. it makes me sick to even think about. we found out about this on wednesday. it’s sunday now. i’m finally at the point where i don’t constantly have a pit in my stomach or a knot in my throat. i can finally sleep again.
i don’t know what to do.
if i continue to be friends with this person, it’ll be at arms length. i can’t bring him around my friends anymore. i can’t be alone with him again. i’m not sure if it’s even worth it at that point.
i’m not sure i can ever look him in the eye again.
i have so much thinking to do. i don’t think i’ll be happy no matter what i decide.
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