Brain Dump in The Dark Craptastic (July 2019)

Okay. So, I’ve dreamed forever of keeping a paper journal. However, it’s not terribly feasible, because I worry about people reading it (thank you mother, for all those years of reading my diaries.) I want to delve into deep questions and work, but I don’t want people to know it’s me. I’m sure you get it.

So, operational definition of me. I am 39, for two more months, give or take a bit, and I am in university. I have three living daughters and a dead one, and I’m married. I wanted to be a novelist, but I realize that art is not a career, so I picked a major where I could do good, social work.

I am beginning to suspect I no longer want to be married.

My children are special-needs and I want them to become more self-sufficient.

I have had some kind of writer’s block for years.

I want to fix all of this. Maybe not the marriage, though.

I realized today that I want to be married to an adult, please and thank you. Someone who realizes that you have to work to get anywhere, someone who’s capable of knowing that 6 pm is dinnertime and that being the only adult available means you’re cooking, someone who…well, contributes. My spouse is not this person.

I am very depressed and I’m probably not okay to be alone, but let’s face it, I’ve been on my own for years now, and I’m still here.

School starts in 46 days.

Today’s song was “Another Dumb Blonde” by Hoku.