Toxic in Raw

No matter how much i drown myself in drugs and distractions i just can’t get rid of this feeling of aching heartbreak and loss. I cant fight for us when you have made it so i can’t even be heard. You don’t listen. All you wanted was a good enough reason to feel justified in leaving me and not having to live with the fake apologies. You called me crying and begging and somehow i was what you needed and now you convinced yourself that im garbage. I’m not good enough now. You are missing all of the faulty things you’ve done to me and i’ve loved you and fought for you the whole time. You can’t say you love me and then feel okay making me live with this punishment of not being worthy now. That is so unfair. You are missing the whole reason behind what lead me to that mistake. I didn’t have the boyfriend or life that I deserved and I was completely destroyed by you daily. The man who is supposed to love me and protect me and make me feel worthy and loved.... Failed when he was doing the opposite to me instead. All the lies cheating abuse neglect and disrespect on top of a million unspoken moments where we both know you failed me… Is what lead me to that mistake. Which you never even bothered asking me what or when it happened or why.... And i think you wont ask me because you know it was ultimately what you caused to happen. But you know what? In the end i made the choice to go back to you and punish myself instead and i got no satisfaction from it. You are the only one who got satisfaction out of it. My one moment you have made enough to justify every horrible wrong you have done to me and still never have been honest about and never will be. But this is a great example of how our love differs. Mine is completely unconditional for you because that’s real. Yours is full of conditions. I am not worth loving if i fall short or act the way you do to me. That is something that i wish i could let be enough reason for me to just accept our fate and walk away but once again.... Unconditional means unconditional. Sucks to be me. Why do you make me deal with your downfalls but you finally feel a sliver of the pain you cause me and you get to opt out? Thats not okay. Thats a coward. I never gave up on you. I told you i would always be here to help you be a better man and i just get left for dead when you start to learn your lessons and i just get to be someones stepping stone in life? Why cant you love me?why the fuck cant that be a choice that you make? You cant choose to love me when its easy or not easy? You are a fucking man you dont get to give up every time you cut yourself or fall down. All i fucking want is to love you for every fucked up flaw you were created by and to be loved for every fucking imperfect bullshit i am made up of. Please baby dont fucking give that to someone else because it is mine. Its ours. We are not perfect and never will be but if we were then it would not be worth living and loving for. Everyday for ever will always be a challenge but that’s how life is… Please stop fighting against us and start fighting for us