I went to go see Kenny on Thursday, and it was a lot of fun. I think something is up with him, though. We aren't talking as much as we had been, and he didn't seem like he wanted to spend that much time with me when I came out to see him. I drove the two hours, we both had the next day off, it would make sense to hang out and fuck all day, watch a movie, go for a walk, get to know each other. By three in the afternoon, though, he was talking about vague errands he had to do. Now, I get it, everyone has things they have to do. But, when someone comes out to visit me and I'm on a time schedule, I'll tell them, "I'd love to hang out more, but I've got to go meet someone at 3pm." That way, my guest knows before it becomes awkward and I have to do hints that I want them to leave. It didn't feel like he actually had things going on, it felt like he just wanted me to go.
Now, to be fair, he has just started a new diet, and it's possible he was just hungry and didn't feel like figuring out lunch for two. He had cooked me amazing steak and vegetables for dinner the night before, and amazing yams and eggs for breakfast.
But, since then, he hasn't really been that responsive. I left him a message today saying it'd be fun to catch up, and he wrote "Hey hot stuff." on facebook, but then didn't respond when I wrote hi back. I'd like some enthusiasm. I know everyone has a lot to do, but at this stage, this beginning stage of getting to know each other and fucking each other, it's all so new and I would think he would be a bit more excited.
Maybe he's scared. Maybe he's not used to this much attention. Before me, the last person he'd fucked more than once was years ago. He told me he tends to flirt with people who are unavailable and far away, because he gets scared when things are too close and too real. Maybe he's scared of being vulnerable and being hurt.
I'm miffed, is all. We don't have to talk every day, but I wish he wanted to. Like, maybe he got tied up and busy with work and things, but can't wait to call me tomorrow. Or, maybe he was swamped for a few days, but misses me and is dying to catch up. I don't expect him to be in love with me, I just want him to pay attention to me.
Ian, on the other hand, has started saying that he loves me. I've been dodging reciprocating. He was feeling frisky this morning, and I am still feeling like it's too little, too late. Also, rubbing your boner in my butt crack does not make me feel turned on. I've told him before that I don't find it attractive. Now, I'll rub my ass on him to turn him on, but it doesn't do the same thing for me. I don't know why that's a difficult concept.
Dustin now only gives me attention at Shades. He's very sweet and attentive at Shades, but I think that's just because he's bored and has nothing else to do.
I waver between thinking that I am just an attention whore, and that nothing men do will ever be good enough, to thinking that I'm just desperate slut and nothing I do will be good enough for men.
I want someone who makes me want to be a better person. Challenges me to grow, learn, help people, become healthier. I want someone who inspires me. Someone who cares for me, someone I can care for. I want us to fawn all over each other, and be our own little world for a while. Then the relationship can grow into something steadier, lasting, stronger. Emotionally supporting each other, caring for each other when we're sick. A shoulder to cry on, but attached to a person who encourages me to put my own shoulder to the wheel.
I thought that Saturday I would get to see Keri again and I could air some of my frustrations. I've been keeping them all in, because I know that Ian just gets upset when I tell him what I don't like. If I tell him what's going on, he gets this terrible defeatist attitude. If I don't, I just go fucking crazy.
I went to a Mardi Gras party last night and didn't get home until 7:40am. There were kisses, and spankings, and a hot tub, and stripping, and a pole, and dancing, and all kinds of awesome people. Gwen made an appearance, but wasn't a problem. I was kind of bored at the party because there wasn't anyone interesting to flirt with. Victor is cute, but he's Dustin's roommate and they don't share women. Angie's cute, but straight I think. Danielle is hot but annoying. Ian and I had a sort of mild threesome with her-- both sucking on her tits at the same time, nibbling on her earlobes at the same time. I had fun, but I like I said, it's kind of boring without a love interest.
After feeling pushed out of Kenny's house, the traffic was awful, so I got off at the next town and had dinner and a movie by myself. It was fun, and liberating. I am good company. Kenny's ridiculous to not want to spend the day with me, but I'm a pretty good time all on my own.
I'm not very good at getting myself to bed at a decent hour, but at least I'm taking my vitamins and drinking more water. I'm vaguely trying to eat healthier, and I did go shopping. I plan on cooking a whole bunch of chicken breasts and making chicken salad. I love chicken salad, and sandwiches make great lunches. I still wish Ian were gone more, so that I could get more done around here.
I guess for now I'm still biding my time. I want to see how counseling pans out.
Here's what I wish Kenny would write me:
Karen,
Thank you so much for coming out to see me, I loved getting to spend more time with you. I find myself just wanting to be around you all the time. Let me know if there's a good night for me to come see you.
<3 Kenny
Yes, he's 37, but he's been around the internet long enough that he can put a heart next to his name in my little dream letter if I want him to. So there.
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