Took quite a while the other night typing up a sad vent, for a vent thread, in the private subreddit for forever alone women. (The sub is largely inactive, and I used to get downvoted for, I assume, commenting too much?–being too negative (in a sub full of depressed, negative women)?–not sure–so, with the exception of on-topic replies to others’ threads (which are very rare–usually go at least several days to a week or so without any, and many of them I can’t relate to), I strictly limited myself to one comment in the one weekly stickied thread, plus I vowed to stop venting about particular topics even though they really bothered me and were directly related to the purpose of the subreddit, because those topics seemed to attract downvotes, too. And I never, ever, started my own threads. This meant my one comment a week–yes, one (usually ignored) comment a week, in a mostly inactive private sub, has been basically all my social interaction for the past two months–often involved a week’s worth of hurts–many of which I couldn’t go into detail about because of my vow to avoid certain subjects–because I literally had nowhere else to get it all out. I thought I was doing the sub a favor limiting myself to that solitary comment a week. The less of my username they saw, the better.)
I figured nobody would read it since nobody ever seemed to, anyway (almost never got any votes, almost never got any replies), and since my interaction with others in there is…was…minimal (they chatter with and reply to each other, and mostly ignore me, even when I reply to them–it’s normal for a couple of others besides me to respond to somebody and mine will be the only comment without a response or a vote), but at least I got it out and moved on. Then logged on last night to find that it was the only comment (out of twelve or so) in that entire thread to be downvoted to zero.
The downvote button is hidden in that sub. Meaning somebody, one of my “fellow” forever alone women, went to my profile just to downvote me, just for venting, in a vent thread. (This is quite something, because NOBODY EVER goes to the trouble of checking out my profile page or seeing if I’m active on another site I’ve mentioned being active on when I go quiet anywhere. NOBODY. I’ve literally talked about my writing posted on Reddit and had people ask, “Where can I find it?” WHEN IT’S ON MY OWN ****ING PAGE. STICKIED AT THE TOP. (And if you Google my main username–the same name I use on like 95% of sites I belong to–plus the word “writing,” YOU LITERALLY GET EVERYTHING I’VE EVER WRITTEN.) Meaning, people don’t even look. They aren’t motivated enough to check on me whatsoever, even if it’s just one click or a two-word Google search which will bring me up right at the top. So, that means my comment was ESPECIALLY bothersome, for them to go to that much trouble to downvote it.)
This isn’t the first time, either, like I mentioned. Just the most painful and, I’ve decided, the final time. Because if there’s anything worse than the crushing loneliness and unwantedness I feel, it’s me being a bother to others. It’s far better for me to be voiceless and isolated than for me to be an annoyance.
Repeated anonymous downvotes on harmless/inoffensive comments of mine in the main/public forever alone sub were what drove me out and stopped me from contributing any more. (I got 6-7 downvotes for saying I wished I lived closer to others in there so we could hang out in person. I guess my extreme isolation offended a bunch of people. Either that or they’re especially disgusted by the thought of hanging out with me.) Ditto with the sub for 30+ forever alone people. (I got 2-3 downvotes for expressing my sadness about the cold reception my comment in the main sub got. I remember somebody criticized my wording and said maybe that’s why I got downvoted. Seemed a bit extreme to me…I’m pretty sure it’s just that male FAs despise me and wanted me out of the sub, since openly criticizing and rejecting and ridiculing me hadn’t worked yet.) Now, even the private sub for my own gender, many of whom were also treated poorly in the main subreddit, has done the same. The EXACT same thing. It crushes me inside that even the private support subreddit for my own ****ing gender is exactly the same as the public subs which regularly hate on women, but it doesn’t surprise me anymore.
Even them. Even they don’t want me.
I turned off my private messages on Reddit, too. Not that I had any coming, the oft-repeated smirky cry of “Lonely woman?–RIP inbox!” to the contrary. But, it’s been twenty years online, and thirty years off. I’m done trying. I’m done hoping. I’m closing off the avenues of communication because obviously, I will never truly connect with anyone.
What really sucks is, nobody will even notice me pulling away, withdrawing into myself, because nobody was really trying to connect with me in the first place. The only person getting cut off is me. And I’m disposable, so, my disappearance is no loss to anyone or anything. Reddit, and that forum, and countless other forums and message boards and social communities over the past twenty years, have amply proven this. I got trolled and hated off of the first two or three sites I joined back in 2000…I guess it’s only reasonable the same thing would still be happening today, I’m still the same trash person now that I was then. Difference is, I have no more sites left to try to fit in on…and no more courage left to try.
(Oh, right. The irony of this all. What was my awful comment in the women’s sub…? Me expressing my sadness at my inability to connect with people. I guess that didn’t help contribute to the conversation, in a vent thread, in a sub full of lonely women whom I’d thought were like myself. I was wrong like always. They’re all like each other. I’m nothing like any of them.)
…
You know I had to go to the hospital ER last week? Previously, I would have shared this on the mental health forum I used to post on, you know, the site I was active on for seven years, and I thought at least a handful of people cared about me, yet I haven’t posted since the start of April (my last post was depressed) and nobody has reached out. Not one. (I hadn’t intended to stop posting or stay away long, but now I don’t see the point in returning.) This time, I had nobody/nowhere to tell, except my own Reddit profile page, which nobody reads. (Unless they’re looking to downvote something, I guess.) Nobody commented or cared. I didn’t expect anyone to, but it’s eye opening. I could die tomorrow and nobody would know. Nobody would go looking. Nobody would miss me.
I spent all last night crying and now have to find a way to avoid looking at my own Reddit page for a while because somebody probably downvoted my goodbye as well (not only because, for some reason, it’s far less of a cardinal sin on Reddit to abuse the voting system than it is to merely mention abuse of the voting system, even if it’s being used to passive-aggressively bully people out of a sub–but mainly because every single comment of mine is trash and doesn’t contribute anything to anything).
And even more, I spent all night crying (and will again tonight too) because now I literally just…have nowhere. I can’t believe what a huge ****ing failure I must be that even all the other self-described failures hate having me around. But it’s so. Nobody wants me anywhere. 😭
Loading comments...