My world is crumbling down on me. I feel like I’m being crushed, and I can’t breathe.
I need to focus on myself and get myself some help, but I don’t have time. I can barely find time to sleep, but when I do that’s my “me time.” How do people find time for help?
And I don’t have kids. Oh my god. I don’t have kids. What the hell would I do if I had kids? How horrible would their lives be if I did?
And I want them! I want them so badly. But there’s no way to bring them into this mess right now. I feel overwhelmed by the fact that they are the only thing I ever wanted and I am resigning myself to never having them. I will never be a mom. It’s devastating to admit that to myself.
With my job, I am so behind and overworked I will never catch up. Every day something new pops up that needs extra time, and other projects get pushed aside. But it’s all important and all needs done and there’s no one to help. Or, no one competent to help. I’m the only one who is here full time and right now it’s just ridiculous. Our front desk/assistant literally just shows up at random. Like, that’s not ok, and it’s frustrating as hell but apparently I’m the only one who seems to care. About a month ago she said she would work a set schedule but there hasn’t been even one week since that she’s worked that schedule. I guess I’m the only one who is frustrated by it since she’s still here.
I’m supposed to be studying and furthering my career, but I’ve pretty much had to give that up. I’ve lost credit for exams I’ve passed because I haven’t had time to sit for other exams. I’ve talked to my boss about it and asked for help at work. I guess that’s never happening because we interviewed a few people about a year ago. No one was hired, no additional effort’s been made. One of the part-timers has asked for more hours and more work. She is lacking in the skills necessary for the work we have and doesn’t try to learn things on her own. So we asked her to take some brief courses to get her up to speed. Nope. She complained to another part-timer that she wasn’t hired for that. Well…that’s the work we have.
My husband is draining. I love him, and I won’t leave him, but oh my gosh it’s so hard. Exhausting. Terrifying. His anxiety and depression are just non-stop and he needs me to be there constantly. I have never experienced this extreme before. I can’t even describe it well. Even my own depression did not seem so draining. I just want to scream at him “STOP IT! YOU MUST STOP IT!” He constantly says he ruined our lives…he hasn’t. But I feel if this isn’t resolved it will end up ruing our lives. Nothing seems to help. It’s just constant. So much of it sounds irrational and even silly. He needs to find a new job; this one is a huge problem. However, he is unable to put any effort into it. This mental disease is debilitating and he can’t push through. He’s had a few phone interviews set up by a recruiter, but he finds something majorly wrong with all of those.
My best friend is going through issues with her spouse. They all seem so trivial to me as she vents all day long. Her personality is a big part of their problems. She won’t bend and it has to be her way. Same with her husband. So they butt heads, constantly, and have done so for 15 years. Sometimes I just can’t even read her texts because it’s just too much.
My mom is alone, and lonely. I’m her closest family. I love her. I want to be there for her. I feel like I’m not there enough, though. After losing my dad, I am so fearful of losing her. I’m so fearful of not getting enough of her in my life.
I feel debilitated by all of this, too. I need help. I need a “me” for me.
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