Been thinking about a journal for some time now. Maybe it’s exactly what I need. Only one way to find out.
During my teenage years I noticed the shadow. Weirdly enough, through all the emotional spikes I could cope. One would think the constant need to impress everyone would’ve taken its toll. But no, life was good with it’s normal ups and downs.
10+ years later as an adult I am struggling.
Years after an abusive relationship the shadow came back with a vengeance. I thought after 2 years of being single I was ready to date again. Unfortunately, I just broke down and I have yet to recover. That was a year ago.
The shadow is always present, lurking in my guts. It remains quiet yet it has the power to drag me down. Life hasn’t been ups and downs but just the now normal lows. Waking up constantly without being able to appreciate life is a disgusting feeling. Honestly, my life isn’t too bad. And that’s the frustrating thing, a lot of people would kill to be in my shoes. Yet here I am, self absorbed, lost in my own thoughts. Hoping a journal entry would lessen the effects of the shadow.
It’s a scary thought but I’ve slowly started to accept this will be part of me for the rest of my life. Actually, it’s absolutely terrifying. And such a life doesn’t seem worth living.
But it is a battle I must keep fighting. People are emotionally dependent on me. Maybe I just need someone to lean on. I do try, but everytime I get close to someone the shadow pulls me back down.
So it’s just the shadow and I, going back and forth in this foreign country I now call home. And where I go, he follows.
This will do for my first entry. Unsure how this makes me feel but I suppose nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Loading comments...