I'm having a bit of a dilemma. Work is going great but is very challenging and interesting, which is stressful. So when I come home, I want to unwind. If C is out of town, it's all good. I feed the pets, do a few chores, and then select an activity to finish out the night. Sometimes I'll talk to a friend on the phone or have a friend over. Normal.
When she's home, though, being home is stressful, too. Sometimes in a good way, but sometimes not. The other weekend, C wanted us to do spring cleaning. She wanted me to clean out several closets and organize the clothes and stuff. I enjoy doing that so I did it, but ended up with a big tub of shoes I didn't know where to put. I suggested we get a shoe rack for the garage but C didn't want to do that. We were having company, so I put the tub of shoes in the garage.
Fast forward to Thursday, when C wanted a particular pair of shoes. I was late getting up for work so I had no spare time. I didn't have my contacts in. She wanted to know where a specific pair of shoes was. I had no idea. I didn't remember the tub of shoes right away. I stumble about a bit, then remember, tell her, and she finds the shoes. She comes up, and I'm standing, naked (about to shower) and she starts to lecture me about how I shouldn't move her things to places she doesn't know (although I'd brought the tub to her on the weekend to go through, but she didn't want to so it went to the garage). I have a flashback to Round 1 when she'd do that - make me stand and be yelled at and be late for work - and I felt like she just didn't care at all about me or my job or my feelings or what I needed to do - otherwise why berate me when she knows I need to be getting ready? But I stood there, helpless, feeling a little angry and a little defiant but keeping it all in, just hoping she would get tired of yelling at me. And she did. Quickly. In fact, just as I braced myself for what was coming, she stopped, derisively said "never mind", and left.
And I went on to my day. When I got home, C was on a work conference call or something. It looked like it would go long, so I went to unwind with a video game and got stuck on something. I was looking up the walkthrough, and she was downstairs, calling "HI!" in a cheerful voice. I called Hi back, but apparently not loudly enough for her to hear. She said it again, and again, and I thought she was just being silly but actually she couldn't hear me. By the time I realized THAT, she was mad. I received a tongue lashing -- not too bad, but I certainly wasn't feeling relaxed at all. Then we ate, and while we ate, she...well...bitched at me for the TV program I'd selected - something really really stupid, but I started to feel nauseous and not hungry. And then she asked me a question - I don't recall what it was (not a nice question), and my mind went blank. I stared at the TV, trying to think and I couldn't. Then I started to feel tingly in my arms and hands and then my head. Very weird. I told her I wasn't feeling well. She got mad that I hadn't just said that to begin with. I said that when she's mad, she doesn't seem to care how I'm feeling. Wrong thing to say. As she amped up the bitching, I began to feel light-headed. I thought maybe if she held me, I'd feel better. Feel grounded. I said, "C'mere". Wrong thing to say. "You can't just call me like I'm a dog!" she said. I wanted to tell her that getting those two words out was a challenge, but I didn't seem able to express myself.
I laid down, and the tingly feeling got stronger. So strong that I felt shaky all over, couldn't think, and my hands were clenched tight that I didn't have the power to open them. "What is wrong with you?" C asked (not nicely). "I....feel....tingly", I said. Or something like that. This part is kinda fuzzy. "Do you need an ambulance?" C asked (not nicely). I said no, but then I started to feel like I was going to lose consciousness, and when she asked again, I said, "Yes, I think so".
C seemed to be moving really really slowly - finding her shoes, finding her phone, probably she was moving quickly and I was just dazed. I'm not sure. She got 911 on the phone and they asked questions, and kept her on the phone tip EMS arrived and right before they did, my brain kind of "turned back on" and I had a clear thought and I began to feel normal or something much much closer to normal.
The EMS guys did a bunch of simple tests, asked about my stress level and what had been happening when the symptoms came on. I mentioned C and I had been arguing and I think that upset her - like I was blaming her, but really I was just honestly answering the questions. They obligatorily recommended transport (legally required) and I refused (legally allowed) and they left.
I went to bed soon after and the next day, my nephew and a friend arrived to visit and we had a very nice Easter weekend. On Monday, C flew off for a work trip and we didn't talk until tonight.
I wanted to talk about an allergic reaction one of the cats is having. C laid into me for being worried about the cat's health rather than my own. And at that moment, maybe because she was talking about it, or maybe because of the way she was talking to me, I felt my body stiffen, begin to tremble, and my arms began to tingle.
And I realized that what I felt the other night - that scared me so, was just how I feel when C is yelling at me (just way stronger than usual, maybe because it was all day?). And that the last time I'd had a "health" issue like this, and my emotionally abusive lover insisted I find a physical reason for it, there wasn't one. I just spent a lot of time on tests and stuff when what I needed to do was leave the relationship and not subject myself to that sort of treatment.
On the phone tonight, I told C that I really thought I'd had a stress attack and that I needed to just take a break from an argument if I began to feel that way. She of course got defensive - who wants to think they affect someone like that, and maybe it isn't fair for me to try to make my home life less stressful before having a bunch of tests done to try to find a different cause. And I'd rather try to lower my stress level than seek the professional opinion that this particular relationship might not be good for my health.
And I don't want to focus on it. I'm a person who, if I think about it, will faint at the sight of blood, or if a doctor puts anything inside me with a needle. I already know that my body will react in a drastic physical way to certain stimuli. I can psych myself out, sometimes. For example, I can give a blood sample if I stay really really calm and don't look and focus on my toes.
I need a strategy, when Cathy's in attack mode and I'm in "flight" mode. Anyway, I told her that I think I need to respond differently, and maybe leave the situation if it's overcoming me. I will obviously give it a chance - see if she will be nicer when she sees she has pushed too hard. Maybe I will opt for "fight" - not hold in how I feel, not suppress my anger at her talking to me like she sometimes does.
Because she really is a wonderful person and I love her dearly and the fact is that her ranting would not bother me if I didn't care what she thought of me, if I didn't care about HER feelings so much. I suppose I could just not care -- but if I am able to do that, the marriage is over anyway.
I don't have high hopes that C will change. Her parents yelled a lot. She's not affected the way I am (I don't think). So she can't relate. And while she has strong feelings, she also expresses them strongly. I feel strongly, but (if the feelings are negative), I don't express them, which means they are not factored in. And I think if I did express them, C wouldn't like me. So I need a strategy and I can't think of one other than just walking away when she's mad and I need to calm down. Which I think would make her more made.
And even if I could "let my feelings out", I'm just not sure that I can re-wire myself. And if I can't, why would I expect that she can. And so, I'm pretty discouraged.
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