I feel better. Somewhat. I'm looking forward to the weekend; a good friend is visiting and C is always awesome when anyone is around.
Typing that, I realize that maybe I just need to expect THAT C the rest of the time and maybe I'll get it. She did text last night to say she was sorry and would try to be better. I think she stewed a little while over the audacity of my saying I feel really bad when she's bitching or yelling. Then realized that maybe I can't help it. And that she could either try to do better or just let things deteriorate.
But here's the thing. Her voice - if it's an argumentative tone - affects me really strongly. Even when it's not, it sets off a reaction that looks to her like annoyance. It's like her voice has become a trigger in me to feel bad.
I'm wondering if its a blood pressure thing. Is that what I feel, when I feel tingly (not happy tingly, more like shaky tingly)? At the dentist last time, and with the EMS guys, my blood pressure was slightly elevated. Not horribly so, but not my usual perfectly normal. Maybe that's a contributing factor and if I fixed that, I'd be able to handle things better, or at least I wouldn't start to fall apart in those situations.
And what really bothers me is that a small part of me feels dread when I think about being around her. Yes, I still feel excitement and happiness to spend time with her, but it's not "unmitigated". When we have a nice relaxing time, it's great. When she's annoyed with me, or trying to convince me of something (especially that I'm wrong about something), I feel terrible. More terrible than is reasonable. I can't imagine if I fought back, argued back...the times I have (which is, maybe twice, ever), it just floored her and devastated her. So I don't. I hear of people having these blowouts and then 10 minutes later they are fine. I don't know what that's like. After an argument, I feel traumatized. And if the arguments come one after another, it just multiplies. So I don't know. Maybe she will be better.
Can I be better? Can I not react like that? I remember, with Jamie, not begin able to change how I felt, once I began feeling negative toward her. Once I couldn't forget how she'd get, I couldn't see her any other way. It's like, with C, having that voice in my head, that voice filled with contempt for me, which I've heard only a few times but which sticks, when she talks, that's what I hear.
It's fine when others are around - she doesn't talk directly TO me much and we can participate in a conversation. It's even fine at a restaurant in public - we can be like a dating couple and talk about our lives. But one on one, in our home, her voice kills me.
And worst of all, when I'm stressed out and winding down and trying to relax, I tune it out. I don't want to hear it.
I used to love the sound of her voice. I once dated a girl a few times because she sounded like C. How do I get that back? Could I, if she was able to just talk normally to me for a while?
The other thing is that she has zero tolerance for any "lip" from me (using my mom's old term). The slightest disagreeable tone in my own voice provokes an attack. I check myself before saying anything - consider my words, consider the tone, use a friendly inflection, all to avoid setting her off. If I mess up - if I'm feeling annoyed or tired and it can be heard in my voice, watch out. It's stressful to need to be so careful. And I've probably just dragged C into that box with me - made her think she needs to be careful with me (she does), but she hasn't spent her life practicing this. I don't want her in that box, I don't want to be in that box, but what can we do?
I hope upon hope that her love for me will lead her to care about how I feel and how she makes me feel and that she will try to show that, rather than keep me under her thumb by keeping me wary and nervous and on eggshells. I know she doesn't want that. I know she doesn't mean that. Our life is good - I know we both want it. There's nobody else for either of us.
I feel better today than last night, but I honestly don't know what I'll say when/if she wants to discuss all this again. I'm thinking of going to the doc for a checkup (it's time anyway) and let her think she won.
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