A crazed man was arrested today for (sexually) assaulting an innocent civilian. This occurred around 10:17 AM while the victim, 55-year-old Marvin, was walking toward his car parked in a busy parking lot. “I was a bit spaced out as I approached my car when I saw a figure growing larger in my ocular periphery,” the victim recounts, “and when I turned to look at him, he growled, ‘Now you leave?’ then tackled me and started… humping me… “
The depraved psychopath pervert, Armand, a garbage person, gave us this statement: “I’d passed through the parking lot about fifty f***ing times, looking for a spot to park in because I’m lazy am self-loathing. I finally gave up trying to find something close and parked about as far as you possibly can from my office. This guy, who was standing around earlier jerkin off on his phone, suddenly gets into one of the close cars! I know he saw me lookin! Boy, it pissed me right off, so I set out to beat his… ”
Bail is set to $8. This is Baba Goobles, reporting for AUNB.
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