need to process in 2019

11:43pm

I don’t even know what to say when I come around here any more. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to say, because I do, but I’ve had a difficult time convincing myself to sit down and pour the words out. They definitely need to come out. I can tell that I am holding things in and that I need to process it all. It’s such a relief to release all of the words onto this page and out of my mind. I just haven’t been able to do that lately.

I guess some times I feel like I don’t have that much to say. Life’s the same ol’ stuff. Work has still been pretty busy so I haven’t actually felt like the season is officially over and I’m able to move on to other things. This last Monday we had three people waiting in the front at one point and it’s freaken two weeks post-season. This is not normal. This doesn’t usually happen for us. And honestly I feel like I haven’t had a damn break and I am SO ready for a break.

At least Cancun is coming up soon. =)

I have also decided to plan a small birthday party for next weekend. It’s actually going to take place before my birthday, which feels weird, but I don’t really have another opportunity until too late after the date. This will work good enough. I’ve already invited the usual group of people. The same ones I’ve been hanging out with for years despite the fact that they’ve been kinda distant lately. We’re going with 3 of them to Cancun though so we can’t make things weird. After that, if they want to disappear and not hang out, that’s fine. I’m not really in the mood to force people to hang out with me.
Besides them though, I have also decided to invite my new friends. The awesome neighbours who basically kept us fed during the season. I’ve been spending so much time over at their house since the New Year that I feel like it’s about time they come over and see how we do things here. It’s going to be different for them. I notice when they get together everyone spreads out randomly through the house and they don’t really hang out and talk. Here we all sit in the courtyard and bs the whole time so I don’t know how they’ll react to that. Worst case, they can walk back next door. hah.

Originally we’d been joking for a while about doing a double party. H’s birthday is actually 3 days before mine but they can’t decide what to do. I got the impression that his mom wanted to do something with him in combination with mother’s day and I don’t really want to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong. I’m not actually a part of their family even if I spend so much time with them and they’ve taken me in so kindly and easily. hah. So I asked about plans and he said they hadn’t decided so I took it upon myself to make my own decisions. I set the date and started inviting people. I told them it was happening and they needed to come. I’m working on a menu of my favorite stuff and I think it’ll be delicious.

I also invited their friend to come and he’s pretty much confirmed he’ll be here and keeps asking what he can bring, which I think is really sweet. I jokingly told him to bring lots of presents because that’s how our whole thing works. This was yesterday and then he ended up calling me on his way home from work and we talked for an hour [even after he got home which surprised me]. It was good though. He always makes me laugh! I haven’t seen him in almost two weeks, [I honestly don’t know if we’ve gone more than two weeks without seeing each other since January, which is crazy] he didn’t end up coming by last weekend. It’s pretty rare but he told me yesterday that he’s been trying to take it easy on Sundays and just rest up. That’s actually a really smart decision on his part and I’m glad he’s made that choice, but I will admit that I was bummed not to see him. Perhaps this weekend he’ll come around.

I was actually doing some shopping and stuff in the city he works in this afternoon so when I went to dinner I texted asking if he was still at work. He took a while to respond and then said one of his guys had gotten into a traffic accident so he was dealing with that. I told him I was going to invite him for a drink, he asked where I was because he was going to need one, and I told him. But he ended up taking so long to respond, despite my subtle stall tactics, that we had to leave. And as we left I went to text him so he wouldn’t show up there and he finally responded at almost the exact same time. He pretended to get mad and I told him it wasn’t my fault he took so long and to not get mad at me! He said, “I really wanted to hang out with you” which I think he was saying mostly in a joking/sarcastic way so it’s hard to take at face value. Nice if he did want to hang though since obviously I did too. It would have been cool to have him come over and have a drink at least. I want to see him on the outside, even if my mom was around tonight, it’s different when we aren’t around his friends. At least I think it would be.

I tried to convince him to come buy flowers with me but it was a no go and then I didn’t hear anything else. No surprise. He’s pretty terrible at texting, especially after work. I totally understand that he’s tired and busy. And I totally get that I’m kinda needy weird sometimes. haha.

There’s so much to say on that subject but I should actually go to bed at some point tonight. I’m gonna go check in on the office in the morning and then tag along to a doctor’s appointment and possibly pick up more party supplies.

The truth is that I think I haven’t wanted to write much [even though I’d love to preserve the memories somewhere!] because I don’t want to overthink it all. And sure I slip up every now and then and get way too much in my own head [as introverts tend to do] but for the most part, surprisingly, I haven’t really been overanalyzing or overthinking it at all. It’s just sorta happening and I’m letting it go wherever it needs to. Like I said, there is a lot more to say on this subject and I will try to get into it eventually, but I think we’re both kind of on this same path. There’s obviously enough going on that we’re seeking each other out but maybe we’re in that same commitment-phobe boat. hah. =P

In a weird/funny twist we are both constantly joking about being future ex’s. We also did this “dear diary” thing back and forth a couple days earlier this week and I don’t know why but I guess it’s good we have the same stupid sense of humor. haha. He did “accidentally” call me his “future wife” instead of “future ex-wife” in one text but I decided to wait to call him out on it. I feel like other people will think it’s weird that we joke about stuff like this? heh. Whatever. It’s working for me. I’m interested to see what he’ll be like with all the people hanging out in the courtyard.

I’ll definitely have to make some time to come in here and type all these little memories out at some point. Also updates on the OR trip and some health stuff [maybe I’ll wait until next week on that one since I have another doc appointment]. I know I need this place more than I’m some times willing to admit so I need to make a better habit of it, even if I bs my way through a rambling stream of consciousness spiel. ;)

Good night.

rose.
12:30am

Last updated May 03, 2019