Being lonely sucks. Some of the darkest times are right after a breakup. So fresh from such a short time ago when feelings of happiness and opportunity are now flooded with emptiness and sorrow.
I’m reminded by the contrast everywhere I look. Out my front window… couples pushing a stroller down the sidewalk. A long lost college friend sends me a Facebook request. He’s married now and has a young daughter.
What am I doing wrong? Date after date after relationship… why can’t I find someone? Someone who’s lonely like me? Someone who wishes they had someone to talk about their day with. Someone to fumble through cooking a homemade dinner with and split a bottle of wine. Someone to spend the rest of their life with.
For years I’m been known by my friends as a good looking guy, who’s charming, and a real catch… but always a bachelor. If only they knew how much I wish I had what they did. My friends are right to some degree. I’m sure I have commitment issues, but that’s because I’m afraid. Afraid to make a mistake. Afraid to be with someone I don’t love. To argue like my parents would. I don’t wanna settle for anyone less than someone who loves me like I do them.
After every heartbreak I tell myself I’m going to focus on myself for a while. To get mentally and physically healthier. I have depression and that positivity is hard to sustain. I circle down a drain and life gets darker. Both metaphorically and physically under the cover of my bedroom blanket. I sleep. A lot. I struggle to make it to work only to come home and immediately crawl back onto the couch. It’s not fair to my dog. She suffers at my expense. I selfishly wish she could feel my pain and come comfort me. But she doesn’t like to cuddle. She nudges me with her nose, but in my mind she’s calling me a lazy asshole.
I hope one day I’ll meet her. The woman of my dreams. I wouldn’t technically call myself a hopeless romantic. I’m a realist. I don’t expect love at first sight or a fairytale ending. I know relationships are a lot of work and everyone has their flaws. That we need to be understanding and accepting of life’s baggage. But I hope 20, 40 years from now I can look at her, smile and say to myself ‘damn, I’m one lucky man’.
I’m not afraid of much but dying alone seems pretty terrifying and I can see it approaching with every sunset.
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