April 6th in Posso's Prompts

“There is a condition worse than blindness, and that is, seeing something that isn’t there.” - Thomas Hardy

Ever been too self reflective and think about all the wrong things you’ve done in your past? You know you don’t need to sit there and belittle yourself about the things you can’t change but sometimes you just want to wallow on what could have been if you weren’t such a lush, dolt, drunk, passive-aggressive fool? I have spurts when it is all I can think about. I had another one of those moments of regret the other day when I was thinking about other friends that I don’t talk to.

I finally composed what I wanted to say to my old friend Carole and sent it off to her. The struggle I had was keeping it short, concise and packed with regret without rambling as I am clearly known to do. I expressed how dumb I was, how badly I felt, and the actions I regretted. Knowing full well that it might never be acknowledged let alone responded to or even quite possibly seen, it made me feel better. I’m not doing “the apology tour” expecting everything to come out roses and happiness but I do imagine there will be some sense of self assurance that I’m not completely idiotic and an extremely terrible person. Being voluntarily sober has been good for me in terms of realizing that I am not that bad of a person.

I mean, I hope I’m not that bad of a person. I have made some major mistakes and stupid decisions, sure. I value them though and have learned from them (as you should) and I would hope that being presented with the same situation that I would actually act differently. Using my heart over my brain has been classic in getting myself into problems that could be avoided. If I wouldn’t have been so crass and abrupt and decided that I wasn’t okay with two friends hooking up and jealous that my best friend was going to be spending time I wanted to spend with my friend that I hadn’t seen for years, I could have easily avoided causing the problem and making it so big that her decision to just walk away from us was the easiest in her eyes. I thrive in times of making things so unbearable for others involved that they give up and move on. A game that totally twisted but one I’ve almost always won as a teen into an adult. Something lately though that I wish I would have never picked up and played for years. Game over would be ideal, so I could move on to the next chapter. I miss Carole, her friendship and think of our times dearly, but I also have to live with the decisions I made to make it this way.