Today on my drive home from work I cried so hard that my face turned numb and needely. Like when your leg falls asleep. There hasn’t been a day where my heart hasn’t felt like it was going to explode from straight anxiety over whats happening.
For as long as I can remember, I have never felt… happy. I am not even sure what that is. There has been moments where I am excited or content but never … happy. Most of the time I am just, empty. Like I’m a being inside someone else’s shell, looking in on their world. When they laugh, I feel the motions their body goes through. When they are social, I am always there observing, seeing what they see.
On a good day I feel content. Like I am present in the day. I am the being. I am no longer an observer. I can interact and control this shell. My emotions however are still… gone.
Really the only emotions I can ever recall feeling is Anger, Sadness, Fear, or Excitement. If I am being honest, It is mostly anger and debilitating sadness. I am not sure I ever wanted to admit this to myself but I think I may be depressed. Lol.
Me and her were just about there. The weight of debt was almost of my shoulders and I was Excited for the future. An emotion I barely ever get to feel. I was excited at all the possibilities we had ahead of us. I could do all the things I wanted to do for years for you. Take you out to special places. Take you on adventures. Fill the apartment with roses and have a silly little movie date night at home.... but you decided otherwise.
I am not sure I know what happiness feels like. If I have ever felt happy then is happiness really that great of a feeling. I mean it was so easily washed away by the corrupting darkness. If i havn’t ever felt it.. will I? Or is it destined to be forever out of my grasp?
I was so close with you.. close to finding this happiness. Now you are gone. Now it is gone. People will tell me I have to find happiness on my own. That happiness comes from yourself and you alone need to find it. I like to think that’s true… years of experience however, tell me it’s not.
What does happiness feel like?
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