Well here it goes. I’m finally trying this out because the love of my life told me that I need an outlet to let out all of my thoughts and feelings. And to be honest she’s right. Its not good for you to keep everything bottled up because, as I’ve found out before, if you keep everything bottled up inside eventually you end up breaking. And when you break, you explode. And when you explode......well people end up getting hurt. And that is definitely not a road that i wanna go back down. Especially being a parent of three wonderful boys that need me now more than ever. It hurts that their mother isn’t hardly in the picture for them. I myself am over it. It’s been almost two years since she walked out of our lives. And i think that it hurts because she acts like its not a big deal that shes doing this to them. Every time i have to hear one of my boys as me when they’re going to get to see mom again or ask why she hasn’t called. And all i can really say is i don’t know, because i don’t have the answers. This must be a big, giant game of hide and go seek where I have to guess where she is in order for her to gave a visit with her children. Well guess what, ain’t nobody got time for that anymore. You don’t wanna be a grown up and a responsible parent and do the right thing for your children and see them when you’re supposed to then I really don’t have time to play your dumb and stupid games. I’m done!!!! It’s game over cuz I’m pulling the plug on this!!! Let us alone cuz I’m not playing your childish games anymore!!!
But if there’s one thing that i take away from this its that you don’t take it out on the ones that love you most. All i can do at this point is be there for my kids and try and protect them as best I can. After all isn’t that what parents are supposed to do is protect their children?? My mission is to do the best that I can for them and give them the best life I can possibly give them.
Ok, on to something else. On to something new. For so many years I’ve had to suffer and be held down by the mess that my marriage has put me in. I have two cars out of it, one that got repossessed because when my ex decided that she didn’t want a family anymore and decided to run away down to Florida with her convict boyfriend she must have though that no one was going to find her down there. Well the repo man did!!! I still remember the day that she called crying because her car was taken out from underneath her and she didn’t know what she was going to do. Not my problem bitch!!!! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaa!!!! ANd the other car, well it was an el-cheapo anyways and for it being a 2016 I just shouldnt have had all the issues that i had with it in the first place. So im cutting my losses and I called the bank and told them to come and get it. There’s no way in this world that I’m EVER going to come out on top being 17 grand in the hole on a car that only cost 18 grand. It just isn’t happening.
Anyways like i was saying, on to something new. Its time to put the past behind and start a new chapter in my life and the lives of my children. I’m finally starting to get my taxes in order after two whole years of not because i knew that i was going to owe and just didn’t wanna face the IRS and the State coming after me with their hands open just waiting for me to put money into them. But I’ve learned that you can’t hide from them forever. Last year the IRS sent me a letter informing me that my job was being instructed to start taking federal taxes out of my check at the single claiming zero rate, the highest rate possible. Which that has really put a hurting on me in my current situation. With overtime pretty much non-existent and rent going back to $1733 a month It’s getting harder and harder for me to maintain what I have at this point.
But on the good side I’m really pushing to the side of filing bankruptcy to make a lot of this headache go away. I understand that the tax thing won’t disappear but the lawyer told me that he can probably get the tax compliance program lifted from my check which will be a big help for me. He had told me when we met back in February that I should really be claiming at least 3 on my paychecks not at the highest rate, that’s just plain ridiculous!!! No now that I’ve been able to secure another vehicle and i was finally able to get my back taxes done up so i know what numbers I’m working with I can finally start moving forward with this process. I’ll be soooooooo relieved when I can finally tell the creditors and bill collectors that constantly ring my phone off the hook all day every day including Sunday’s to leave me the hell alone!!!! I’m hoping that I can do that soon. I have so may blocked numbers in my phone due to bill collectors and junk spammy calls it’s unreal. So hopefully I’ll be able to cross that bridge soon completely fingers crossed.
That being said once I get all of that straightened out and put the past in the rear-view mirror and move on from it I’ll finally be able to start moving forward again. The more I’ve thought about it and the more I’ve prayed to God about it the more it feels right and it just makes sense on what I have to do. The first step is that I have to move. The boys already have an idea of what’s going on from me talking to other people about it but they don’t know the whole story about it. But it will be a start of something new. A chance to make new memories and finally start getting back up on my feet and stop struggling like I have been for the past two years. It’s time to make my life right again. I’ll sit the the boys down eventually and talk to them about whats going on but now is not the time. Especially since i don’t even have a place lined up yet. Once i get everything figured out then I can spread the word and make sure my children know whats going on. I’m really excited about the future though. I really think that once i tackle all of the issues from the past that things are going to really start looking good again. But i know that God is on my side and He is always with me so I’ve got nothing to worry about. It reminds me of that movie “War Room”. I would really recommend that movie to anyone because it’s a really good example of the power of prayer. God doesn’t want us to always be worrying about things and trying to fix our issues on our own. He wants to be there with us and He wants us to call on Him to fight our battles for us so we don’t have to. I think the one thing that I’m learning to do is to put my trust in Him that He is going to make everything right and that I have nothing to worry about. Especially since in my current situation the bills outweigh my paychecks. But nothing is impossible with God on your side so Lord God I give these problems to You and I won’t worry about them anymore. Today I put my trust in You to fight my battles and to conquer my enemies with Your Mighty Right Hand. In Jesus precious Holy name Amen.
I’m so happy that we serve a graceful, merciful and loving God. Without Him we would have absolutely nothing. I’m so blessed that He is on my side. I just wish that I would have opened my eyes sooner. I wish i would have done a lot of things sooner. But there’s no use in sulking over the things that you wish you would have done because in reality you can’t change the past so why worry about it. All you can do is look to the future and try to make it better. In the end I think that if I just keep doing what I’m doing and stick to my guns and keep moving forward that everything will be fine and my boys and I will be where we need to be. And I fully trust that the Lord will deliver me from this mess that the past has created. I tell ya, God is good!!!!!!!
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