Where I am in Logs

Time seems like an abstract concept at this point. I feel like a driftwood floating aimlessly over endless waters. My head is a melting pot of thoughts that go nowhere and come with a horrid taste. I just can’t seem to be able to step out into the real world and do the 1000 things I could be doing, for uni or just for fun. Nobody wants to hang out in the exam season so I’m stuck indoors in my dark, stuffy room. Going outside by myself doesn’t feel much different anyway.
I don’t understand why my mind is stuck like this. I have interviews lined up and exciting future research I could do and although I am stoked, I also feel nothing at all.
I think since Chief died, I’ve been finding myself completely unable to imagine any kind of a future at all. Maybe it has been like this since before his death. I cannot recollect.
I’m have currently tapered down my antidepressant dosage from 3X to 1X. I hate going to the doctor. She makes me feel like it’s my fault for suffering.
I wonder if I’ll ever feel full again at all. I’m getting kind of tired swimming against the waves. I want to give in. I feel like I’m destined to give in, sooner or later.
Last few weeks have been worse than usual, I don’t know why. I find myself wide awake into the early hours, unable to sleep from the physical, unexplained discomfort in addition to the usual emotional ones. Mornings also feel inundated with a sort of empty haze. Days are bleeding together. I need to get my shit together. Finals are in a few days.