03/23/2019 in My Never-Ending Thoughts

Today is my birthday. As it comes to an end I can’t help but think how much I despise my birthday. Even as a kid it has always filled me with excitement, but also dread. No matter what, expectations are never met. When I was little my mom planned a slumber party for me for my birthday and I invited almost all the girls in my class. We had just moved to this new school and this was one way to make friends. I remember how hard my mom worked to plan this stupid slumber party, even going as far to plan a little scavenger hunt with little goodies like nail polish and hair ties. It wasn’t that no one came, I haven’t had anything like that happen, but it was just that no one really cared. I wasn’t really friends with any of the girls and it just felt weird. I think about that memory a lot and it always makes me feel queasy. It embodies my birthday. I want people to care, I want this to be a day where I feel truly loved and important. I want to be the center of attention, no matter how anxious it makes me feel. I wish I had friends to post cute photos of us and wish me a happy birthday, I wish I had friends who would plan a surprise party, I wish I had friends who would remember my birthday without snapchat, twitter, or facebook reminding them. No matter the time of year, I always feel insecure about my relationships. I feel paranoid that no one likes me, everyone in my life secretly hates me. I constantly feel less than enough and like an outsider in every interaction I have. But then, on my birthday I feel that extra. I know that I’m not as big of a deal to my friends because they create large elaborate posts dedicated to the birthdays of each other, but I get a “happy birthday!! love and miss you, I hope you enjoy today and know that you’re great,” which I suppose is better than nothing. I’m constantly scared that no one will know, that this will just be the beginning of me slipping into a person who no one cares about. Yet, I also kind of hope no one remembers because I just don’t think a) I deserve to have attention and b) anyone really means what they say. I feel like my burden on them just increases on my birthday because now they have to think up a nice thing to say to me and remember to let me know they know it’s my birthday and they aren’t a shitty friend. I know I’m never going to get the birthday I dream of, I know it won’t happen for me. I just hope that maybe as I age, I will care less. Maybe my dream birthday won’t be what it was, even though I think deep down, that’s what everyone secretly wants. Why else would birthday’s be so widely celebrated in our society? On a more positive note I thought I looked pretty cute today, but that just seems so insignificant in the grand scheme of it all when I think about how shitty I also felt today. I want to feel good about looking good but I just can’t truly bring myself around to it. I think about how yeah I looked good, for me, but in comparison to others, I still looked below average. The guy I like messaged me happy birthday and I so badly wanted to start a conversation or try to keep messaging but I had to remind myself, I’m sure he doesn’t like you. I have to remind myself about how I’ve tried to start conversation before and if a direct question is not being asked, there is a large chance he doesn’t respond. I have to remind myself that nobody actually wants to talk to me. But remember, it is my birthday.