One of my biggest problems in life is that I never complain about anything that really bothers me. For the most part I've been this way my entire life. The truth is that I have no real outlet because I don't want to put this on other people. I don't want to bog down my partner with any of this, or my friends, or anyone close to me...and I know it's not good for me or anyone to hold it all in. Most of my life, my outlet has been my writing, and that's been enough for me. But things have been good, and when things are good I don't usually write.
My mother once told me that I was the quietest baby of the three of us, I would never cry about anything. She could never tell when I was sick or unhappy because I would never cry, I would just lay there silently. It's interesting to think that this was something, even as a baby, that's core to who I am. Sometimes I wonder if anyone really knows me because of this. How can you know a person who doesn't complain about anything, or at least talk about how they are feeling?
I have been freelancing (book design) and working from home for the last 2 years and while I am able to maintain myself financially, the isolation gets to me every now and then. I know a lot of people dream of this sort of job (even I have when I had a full time job in an office) and I never complain about it to anyone in my real life because I fear the looks of judgement that comes from complaining about something so "ideal". Admittedly it's pretty great in many ways: I make my own hours, I can sleep in, I don't have to attend any meetings or BS corporate stuff that wastes so much time. When I work, I work. I can meet for lunch or take day or week off at my leisure. I have a lot of free time, some (me) would argue too much free time. I wish I did everything I dreamed I would do (when I was chained to my desk at my office job) but the truth is I don't. I basically get my work done and then watch tv, clean, read...nothing spectacular. I don't do any hikes or workshops or create art or do all these amazing things I figure I would do if I only had more time. None of that happens. Then my partner comes home from a full day at the office and asks me what I've done all day and I feel like a 50's housewife trying to justify my day with a list of errands to prove I've been productive despite it all and of course I start off "Well, besides WORKING...".
Anyway, I joined this a while ago and migrated from a site where I knew too many people in real life. When I know too many people in real life I write nothing personal, which is pretty boring. I'm looking forward to doing this more and finding new writers to follow...
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