embarrassing history in 2019

1:21pm

I’ve been wanting to write almost every day for the last week, but every time I open the page I get lost in thoughts of my uncle. I don’t even know what to say…

I’m sad. Extremely sad. But I’m trying hard not to think about it too much. My eyes water and my mind goes blank. Unfortunately I just don’t have the time to live like that right now. Crazy how the world doesn’t stop turning, huh? I know I’ll have the time and space to grieve later but not right now. And boy will I grieve because this man was the last person connected to my father. There were so many stories that I will never get to hear. So much history completely gone in the blink of an eye. I am so grateful to have had that last conversation with him but it will never be enough. My heart has a fresh new wound. I might be able to patch it but I know it’ll never fully heal. Add it to my collection of bumps, and bruises, and straight up cuts.

I heard a song this morning that basically said that those with the most emotions have a heart of stone. Sounds about right. =\

Went to the neighbours last night. Who’s surprised?? It’s a nice distraction though and I definitely needed it. I ended up there Saturday night too. I got out of work, went to church [kinda late after I kicked the last appt. out], stopped quickly at the store and was texting with L. They got home from a party just after we did so I asked if they were up for company. It took her a while to respond [I think she was cleaning haha] so mom ended up making soup and I made a dip to take over. Didn’t even get there until close to 8pm, but it worked perfectly with the timing of the soup being done. I don’t remember what time mom went home but I stayed until like 11:30pm. Drank probably more than I should on this new medication but it’s alright. Three drinks and a couple shots I think. hah. Yesterday H asked how I felt after the wind hit me on the way home and I told him I was perfectly fine. He was like, “damn! are you a closet drinker? Like you go into your room with the bottle and just start chugging??” haha. Silly boy. He clearly does not know what my tolerance levels are like; and I’ve cut way back.

I always have a nice time with them. Not even sure what we did that night. haha. Ate snacks. They finished off the soup. Talked and joked around. I don’t even remember if we watched a movie or if I worked on puzzles with Dev. haha. Whatever it was, it was fun.

H and I came up with our new favorite drink - jager with ginger beer. Which sounds disgusting but is actually sooo good! Plus I told him ginger was good for us so we’re being healthy. haha! He got a kick out of that one. I think when I got there Saturday there was like almost 3/4 of the bottle left and by the time I left last night we’d polished the whole thing off. hehe. It was so good though and that stuff is dangerous. You don’t even really realize you’re drinking alcohol, especially with the ginger beer being so strong in flavor.

On Saturday night, I think when L went to walk my mom home, I stayed in the kitchen with little Dev and H. I don’t remember what Dev was talking about [he’s 4 mind you] but some how el compa came up and he asked if we were getting married or if I wanted to marry him! 😱 I’m drawing a blank on the exact words but it was along those lines. I immediately started laughing and tried to get him to clarify. He mostly just started giggling like me. haha. Then said something about how el compa would make a good Girlfriend. Oh man, that made me laugh even more!! I doubt Dev knows the difference between boyfriend/girlfriend so he was just saying what he hears. haha. So hilarious that kid!

H kinda picked up on some of it and then told L when she came back to the room. Dev is compa’s godson so he was definitely playing a good wingman for him. haha. Although within five minutes I’d already been traded in for an “NBA girl”, so whatever. It was just so funny because he wasn’t being prompted at all by anyone. Him and I were just having our own conversation. Crazy kid.

Later that night H said he’d mentioned to compa that his godson was talking him up but he didn’t give him details. He responded that he knew he loved that kid. haha. But by yesterday I got a text from him saying that he heard his godson asked if I was trying to get married. He was on this annoying one word answer kick so I couldn’t get any more details out of him about what they told him.

sidenote: client just walked in and I was in the middle of telling her something when she suddenly asked if I got married! haha. It caught me off guard but I noticed she was staring at/reaching for my hand so I caught on and said, “Oh! No, not at all.” I started laughing and told her not to scare me like that! So then she started laughing and told me I definitely should wait and not settle for anyone. I can’t settle for any ol’ Peabody she said. haha! Sweet little lady!

Anyway, I’m not positive but I think this might be the first weekend in which I did not see el compa since the new year. That’s crazy. He said he was too tired on Saturday because he worked and then didn’t feel like driving anymore. We texted a little yesterday afternoon but honestly it ends up being mostly me texting and him occasionally responding. It’s pretty pathetic actually. I did officially decide, and tell him, today that I’m not going to do that annoying five hundred text thing anymore. That I totally have the patience to wait for him to respond. But then I put a skull and crossbones because I very clearly do not have the patience to wait.

He responded that he wasn’t mad at all last night but he was trying to sleep so he stopped answering. I told him that I didn’t just mean last night. I meant in general because our text history is embarrassing.

I haven’t been this lame in a long time. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I mean besides the fact that people not texting me back drives me absolutely insane. There’s something about him that I do not understand.

Like we don’t even talk that much, or even get along that well. I think I probably just want the attention because I’m sad and lonely and desperate. Because obviously the attention I get from the client isn’t enough? 🤷‍♀️ I just contradicted myself right there. I know it’s something about him, but I don’t know what it is and that messes with my head. I’m not even really attracted to him in that way.

He did end up calling me yesterday. I was sitting in the front room watching Dev play jurassic park video games. It was just him and I like I guess we’re all comfortable enough around each other that the adults do their own thing. haha. They all even went to take showers and stuff while I hung out there in the living room. Geez I really am going to take el compa’s spot in that family. haha.

So I was watching the game and I sent a picture to tell him that I was taking over his couch. Then because he didn’t respond [I know-I’m an idiot] I sent another text asking why he was so lame and told him in Spanish that I was waiting for him [I do enjoy the fact that I can speak Spanish w/him]. Within a few minutes I looked down at my phone as it started to ring. I hesitated. But of course answered anyway. And we spent the next half hour or so talking.

There I was, sitting on the couch in the dark in my neighbour’s house with their son cuddling up to me. He brought out his favorite dinosaur and then brought me my own T-rex. He wrapped them up in blankets and tucked us all into the couch. haha. All while I talked on the phone to his godfather and his parents were off in some other room.
What is this life I’m living?! 😳

We talked about a little of everything. It’s probably the longest convo we’ve ever had. hah. Although there were plenty of distractions on both sides. Dev kept talking to me and distracting me. Probably because I wasn’t giving him all of my attention. haha. And compa was doing some kind of invoicing for work. I joked that he wasn’t paying attention to me either because he wasn’t really responding and he insisted that he was. Apparently he’d put me on speaker and was multi-tasking. Great, so now everyone can hear the dumb sh*t I say. ;)

I don’t even remember everything we went on about. More of the same. Work, life, being busy, talk about my replacing him. I told him I cooked and we joked about how rare that was and then he insisted that making cereal is not “cooking” but he’s weird. At some point he got all serious and started saying that he wanted to tell me something himself and wanted me to hear it from him. I’m not sure what all he was saying because my mind started wandering. What could he possibly be about to tell me? Honestly I mostly thought he was going to say he found a place and was moving away. I don’t know what the heck difference that would make for me but that was the ‘worst case scenario’ my mind jumped to.

Turns out he just wanted to tell me he was going to be a loser and not come over. Uhh. Ok. I already knew that. It was almost 9 o’clock at night. There was no way he was going to drive down here to hang at that point.

But yeah, anyway, we talked about a bunch of stuff and it was nice. I didn’t really want to hang up even though I knew I had to. He was going to get ready for bed. It’s just that I think a part of me knew I wouldn’t really talk to him for at least another week and that bugs me more than I care to admit.

I did text him later after H asked if I’d heard from him and I said yes. Apparently he hadn’t responded to his texts so at least I’m not the only one. I told him the key was to text him 20 times and then he gets so annoyed that he responds to tell you to shut up [which I also told el compa on the phone]. He asked if he called or texted and then said that he knew where he stood now. haha. Poor guy. So I told compa this and then he sent back some ?? and I repeated. He told me to “shut up” which I’d told him to say to me but then said maybe “please stop” would be better because otherwise my feelings would be hurt. It turned into a big joke. I told him that I knew he liked talking to me and then told him to wake up and come back. He sent some angry emoji and I told him to turn off his phone. haha. Hence all the “are you mad at me” stuff later. A couple texts this morning and that’s all. Which I knew would happen. Still annoyed though and still not sure I have enough will power to not text him.

Honestly I sent him a text Tuesday night asking if he was awake and if he’d tell me something funny. No response. Not surprised. But it hurt my feelings a bit. Apparently not enough to get me to stop being stupid about this.

Come on will power! Do your thing!

rose.
10:50pm

Last updated March 12, 2019