13: My letter to Lauren in My own struggles

As mentioned in the last chapter, i wrote Lauren a goodbye letter before i moved up to Nantwich. I wrote this with as much honesty and heart. When writing this, i still had so much love for Lauren so for reading this, i hope you can understand what i went through.

**Dear Lauren,

I’m writing this letter to you as I know at this moment that you either don’t want or aren’t ready to talk through about our relationship which I can understand. I wanted to try to get across what I’ve wanted to say for a long time in an adult manner but avoid any awkwardness you may feel if I tried to explain this in person. I don’t want to force or pressure you into a situation you felt uncomfortable with.

I’m also writing this to say goodbye as I had intended to move to Stone but I need to move
further away beyond Stone to help rebuild myself. I’m not sure how long I plan on being away or where it will take me. Writing this letter helps bring some form of closure to myself and I hope you understand why I’m doing this.

There were two things that stick in my mind from our end in January which I never got to go into depths with you.

The first one being the way you said that I tried to change who you were. This statement
shocked me at the time when you said this as I thought of myself trying to be supportive and
encouraging. I never wanted to change who you are or change the way do you do things. The
only things in my mind that made me think that you felt this way were when I said that we should be seeing more of each other during the week. Maybe this was too soon especially as I should have waited until our relationship had further developed naturally rather than trying to force something you weren’t comfortable with. I didn’t intend to move things quickly with us and I would have had the patient of doing things your way.

I also realized that why you thought I tried changing who you were was when I phoned you a
week before we broke up voicing my concerns. I shouldn’t have done this or at least I should
have changed the approach of which to have voiced this. I actually regret saying at the time that I didn’t trust you. I really did trust you but I did feel that I had lost a connection with you somehow and it led to me being more anxious.

The second being that we had nothing in common. This one is down to me as I was asking you
to come along to shows that had my interests in mind. I know everybody doesn’t has every
matching interest but I never thought this to be a barrier between us. I must admit that I find it a struggle to find anyone who has the same interests as I do (mainly Motorsport). I particularly wanted to share my passion of cars with you as I know you love motorbikes and occasionally rally cars. But I wanted to share my love of all things cars with you without upsetting the rhythm of interrupting of your interests and hobbies. I would have shared your hobbies as well as I’m always open to trying new things. I know that my behavior towards the end of the relationship was not what you deserved and was completely unfair on you having to put up with me, particularly with the picky arguments and me telling you to shut up. It was really uncalled for. I ended up being erratic due to the different stresses and scenarios that I encountered. I recognize this from the point of being in Sheffield last year onward and even in St.Ives before that. I recognize this as being a factor in the breakdown in communications between us but I can honestly say that this doesn’t represent my true self. The most frustrating thing for me is that despite my behavior, I still cared for you so much that it really hurt myself being like this.

Despite what has happened, I don’t hold anything against you and you will always have a special place in my heart. I actually want to say thank you for the happy times that we had together. When I think of you, I only think of positive memories and I would hope that would be the same for you too. I will always remember our original conversations and adventures we had together. They meant so much to me and it felt I had been rescued from what was a dark period of my life. I wanted to keep hold of that feeling which is why I have found it hard to let go. It felt that I had turned a corner in my life when I first saw you. I knew you would be something special. To me, you have a heart of gold and are a rarity. A one in a lifetime. I still miss the morning and night texts, going to yoga together and also miss Thor, Vali and your family as they have all made me so welcome when I was with you. But most of all, I miss you and the love you gave me.

I really hope there is no bad blood between us. I can understand what you’ve done and why
you’ve done with ending things with me and can also understand if you still don’t ever want to
talk to me or see me again. I’m not sure how long I plan on being away or where life will take me
but I hope that somehow that I manage to find my way back home again. Despite the distance,
my door will always be open for you and I will be whatever you want me to be, even a friend.

I really hope you get what you want from life. You deserve every bit of happiness and success
that comes your way and I do mean to say that I’m proud of who you are and what you are doing with yourself. Take care Loli. I love you so much. Always.

Yours truly,

{me} xxxxxxxxxxxxx**