I don't, wanna be fool-hearted, Baby, I'm out, Numbered in my head, I don't, I don't wanna be fool-hearted, Baby, I'm out, Numbered in my head, My head...
In My Head, Anna Nalick
I don't even remember how to write in a diary anymore. I can't be too open just yet because I haven't looked around enough to figure out how to make certain entries friends-only or private like you could on OD. I don't even know if it's an option. When did I become too lazy to do the things I want to do? shrugs I don't know.
I got my tax refund last week and tonight I bought a computer. It should be here in 2 days. And I probably won't have the time to mess with it until next weekend, but oh well. I haven't bought a new computer in AGES. I've been using my sister's crappy old old old laptop. I spent nearly $600 on it, so it better be good. Anything is better than this one, but it better be worth the money. I was okay using this piece of junk until I found out OD was going away. I decided in that moment that I wanted to start writing again. And it's so stressful to even try to write consistently when I'm using this dinosaur. I'm only doing it now because the girlfriend is reading so we're not really talking (though we are on the phone) and I'm waiting on my laundry to get done.
I'm having some trust issues lately. I am BROKEN when it comes to being normal and happy and trusting. Please keep in mind that she has done nothing that I know of for me not to trust her. It's just something that doesn't work inside of me anymore. And I am happy. I'm happier with her than I've ever been, but it's like my happy isn't really happy.
Quick background on us. We met online (on OD!) 9 years ago this month. She noted on an entry and said I could email her and our friendship blossomed from there. We'd email every day. Sometimes text, call. But it was just friends. At the time she was married to a guy and dating a girl. She knew I liked her, and I knew she kinda liked me. But we were just friends. Over the years, we tried to date a couple of times, but she always went back to some girlfriend and I focused on other women. Then we'd strike our friendship back up. Then, 3 years ago we started "talking" talking, after not communicating for quite a while. She had a girlfriend, but was unhappy. They broke up, we got together, and here we are. We've been official for 2 years and I absolutely love her. That said, I still worry like hell that she'll leave me for an ex. That's what happens to me, ya know?
Hmm.. what else? I'm actually caught up on all my bills. I have some maintenance that needs done to my car. And I have some things I need to buy, but none of my bills are past due. This is crazy because not long ago, I was ALWAYS late on something. And I was always dodging calls from creditors. Somehow, moving out and paying more in rent has helped me get back on track. I don't even know how that makes sense. Although I guess I am making more at my job now than I was at my last job when I had a roommate. Whatevsies. It's good that I'm actually on track.
Oh. I seriously need to lose some weight. I'm going to be in my brother's wedding in September. I tried on the bridesmaid dress and WOOH it's tight. Like, looks horrible on me, tight. So I vowed to lose some weight and didn't tell anyone how tight it was on me. I ate healthy for about a week and then I got stressed and then I started my period and all that means is eat eat eat. Excuses. I need to do it. Just lose like 20 pounds. I don't know. I don't even know how hard it is to lose 20 pounds. In high school, I gave up my daily pop and candy bar and dropped 15 pounds like nothing. So I've just got to make some changes.
I could tell you about my family. I've got 2 older brothers, 3 younger brothers, and a younger sister. Yeah.... I grew up Catholic. Pretty sure my sister is the only sibling that's still practicing Catholic. That breaks my mom's heart. Anyway. The 2 older brothers are married (1 kid and 4 kids). 2 of my younger brothers are engaged, and 1 brother and 1 sister are single. I'm gay. Can't get married in good ol' Kansas. Though I'd like to. ;)
Okay. Time for a smoke before this laundry gets done. Thanks for reading. Oh, god, tell me somebody made it this far and read the whole thing. No? Okay. That's fine. I'll get over it.
Loading comments...