Fuck in Life

I have always aspired to be the best mother. As a mother that is your job. I remember telling my own mother that at 18 when my little brother was living with me and she came to visit. All I had asked was for her not to bring her weed with her. That was too much to ask. My mother was a sad mother. She suffered from mental illness, in which she has had multiple diagnoses. I get that, I really do. All I have ever asked is that she try. I have never doubted her love, even if she didnt do a good job at doing anything. She spent most of my teenage years in bed. I just wanted to do better and I feel like I’m failing. My children mean the world to me. I tell them every day. I have had bouts of depression, but I always manage to push through. I work a lot, I go to every school function, but I forget alot. I forget when my child has to take something to school or I forget to send lunch money. This may not seem horrendous but in my eyes it is. I’m strive for perfection and I’m anything but. I’m failing miserably. I’m scared that teachers think I’m a bad mom. I’m scared that for whatever reason I will lose my kids. This is an irrational fear, I know this, but im overwhelmed with this terrible phobia. I’ve seen too many people dealing with the whole DHS system. It scares the shit out of me. Even when I think I’m doing everything right, it’s there. Ironically I think I’m a better mom when I’m sad. I try harder to hide it and make my kids happy.