Ash Wednesday in 40 Day of Lent

Good Afternoon it is, Wednesday March 6th, 2019 also known as ASH WEDNESDY. Today ive decided to fast for 40 days. It is going to be a journey and I will struggle but I know the end reward that God has for me is even better so I’m prepared to complete the task. What made me decide to do this is a crazy story well dream that ive had a couple days ago. It felt so real basically saying that I’m going to die in my sin if I continue to live in it so I’m not doing it because I dont want to die, but because I know it isn’t right. Ive struggled with so much over my lifetime and I’m ready to really start living the life I know I can live. In order to complete this fast without messing up, I needed to delete some things from my life. The first thing I did was deactivate all of my social media, because I believe it would have been a distraction for me reaching my goal. I wrote my last status on Facebook letting all my friends and family know that I will talk to them in 40 days or April 21st which is Easter. Following Facebook I deleted my Instagram, twitter, snapchat, Grindr, Jackd, and Tumblr. I know what your thinking why do you have Grindr and jacked on your phone well the reason because I struggle with same sex attraction, ive had this struggle for a while now ever since I was raped in High School. I remember the day like it was yesterday the image is still very visible in my mind. I don’t fully blame Richard who raped me because I feel like if I wasn’t trying to act grown I would have not believed I was made this way. I was in the 9th or 10th Grade and me and my family was living with my aunt and uncle at the time. Everyone was asleep and I decided to download some app like tinder or something and this guy messaged me asking how old I was I told him i was like 15/16 and he wanted to hang out. I was downstairs and I put on some shoes and went out the front door. The alarm wasn’t on that night because my cousin Brittanie was out with her friends and she hasn’t gotten home yet, so it was the perfect opportunity to leave. I went outside and started walking until i reached the police academy. Richard saw me walking and stopped his car and I got in, we started chatting and he was like I want to have sex with you, and I want you to suck my dick and I was scared but I said okay. I didnt know what I was doing but I was scarred because I didnt know what he would do to me if I would have said no. After about 5 mins he was like you know anywhere we can go so we wont get caught, I told him just across the street from my aunts house was an empty dark field so we went there and he pulled my clothes off and was like turn around I’m ready to feel you. I changed my mind and was like I need to get home because I was going to get in trouble, but he said I wasn’t going anywhere until he fucked me. He pushed me on the car and turned me around and I was begging him to stop, almost to the point of crying, but he didnt care he put his dick inside me and started stoking. I never had sex before so I was really tight, but he didnt care he loved how tight I was and fucked me for at least 10 minutes before he came and drove off. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even walk, but I needed to get home to my parents before someone woke up and realized I was gone. I finally got home and couldn’t sleep whatsoever I was just in shock and in pain, my parents asked if I was okay and I told them I was, because I feel like it was my fault because I agreed to meet him even when I knew what his intentions were. After the rape happened I didnt really talk to anyone for a while, just stayed to myself and after a while he messaged me and we met up again and once again we had sex idk why I kept going back, one part of me didnt want to disappoint him and make him mad, but the other part maybe I did enjoy it idk. After that I was getting curious about guys and thats where it really started. So the reason I’m doing this fast because I know deep down I do not enjoy hooking up with guys and I never want to actually be in a relationship with one, so I’m praying God will help me with this struggle and for these 40 days I Grow closer to him and farther away from my temptation and addiction. I will be writing a entry every day, not just for me, but for anyone who is stuggling with same sex attraction there is a way out and you dont have to act on your sin, which I pray I can help someone else who is too scared to come out and say it. I Plan to accomplish a lot in these next couple of weeks, and can’t wait to see the outcome.