Feb. 21 - Sciamachy in Posso's Prompts

Sciamachy (n:) sham fighting for exercise or practice; a battle against imaginary enemies

I’ve been having the reoccurring argument in my head that I have not been acting as crazy when having internal issues with life, people, etc. I think having been away from large groups of my friends has been as beneficial for my well being as it has been as detrimental to my feeling lonely by doing nothing with anyone. I went to therapy after my first cancer diagnosis; it was more of a way to talk about how I already didn’t feel attractive enough to date someone I wasn’t settling for and now that I’d be missing a part of myself and also be fertile to the point where if I ever knock up someone, their stomach will glow in the dark. After this summer’s drinking/cancer/breakup fiasco I went back for a little bit to talk to someone to see if I was just rationalizing my problems and trying to make them bigger than I had to - I mean, not to boast but I haven’t had it entirely great but was I looking to just make myself feel worse by making the situations worse? It sounds ridiculous to even say it out loud but there are times where I feel like I should have been in much worse situations. Not sure where or why that kind of guilt just appears out of. I stopped going to therapy after my drunk driving because I knew that I was trying too intentionally to be an idiot at that point and that talking about cancer, kylie, life choices, work, was too much to just pour out of me at the time.
I started going back to talk to someone at the beginning of the month. Not that I felt like I needed someone else to tell me what I already know is wrong, but I needed to speak out and it needed to be someone I have no connections to. I had to just take a few steps back from my head and life and realize that:

I don’t need to feel miserable for everyone when I’ve been through enough
I can be okay with not having met the goals I thought I would have in my life as of now
I should really be thankful I’m still alive after having cancer multiple times in five years

Happiness after that can always be sought after. The concept of being happy doesn’t have to be an overnight sensation. I have finally begun realizing that I don’t need to care what people think of me anymore; if they’re going to like me, they’ll talk to me, hang out. There’s no one I have to impress if I choose not to. A lot of my life has been spent looking for real life Facebook likes and retweets and I really don’t need it. If anything is certain of this age, its totally impossible to fall out of touch with people unless you’re actively trying to avoid them. The mistakes I’ve made with friends, family, girlfriends should be a learning experience and not something to have to look back on and fight consistently with yourself about what you did wrong and what you could change.